Cirque De Shinra
by KC1327
Summary: Hello everyone! It's me, Kunsel! And welcome to televisions newest talk show Cirque De Shinra! Where all of your favorite characters answer the questions that have been peaking your curiousity for ages! Tune in to see what your favorite character has to say!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: I usually put this at the end, but some explanation is needed if you're going to understand this beforehand. When your read something in bold, its Kunsel. Regular text is the guests.**_** Italicized is a question from the audience.**_** Ok? Good. I'm glad we got that cleared up. And just to be extra safe, I'll write the name of the person before they speak. Also, feel free to message a question for one of the characters and I'll include it in the next chapter! Thanks for reading!**

*Lights brighten to reveal the SOLDIERs, TURKs, all Shinra executives, AVALANCHE members, Wutai ninjas, and former Shinra employees sitting in comfortable lounge chairs placed in a half-circle facing the audience. Sitting in the middle is Kunsel (helmet still in place)*

**Kunsel: Hello everyone! You know what time it is; it's time for the premiere episode of Cirque De Shinra! Where you, the viewers, ask all of our favorite characters questions and those characters must answer! No matter the question, ladies and gentlemen, these characters WILL answer. Ok let's get started! Here's our first question, addressed to our favorite cadet Cloud Strife! **

_Question: Cloud, what's it like in the Shinra shower rooms?_

Cloud: *looking vulnerable* Uh… I guess…

Zack: HEY! WHY WOULD YOU ASK THAT!? *covers Cloud protectively, growling at the audience*

Genesis: Will you please just let him answer the question so we can move on to more interesting topics, like me for example. *flips hair and crosses arms*

Rufus: It is interesting that you think anyone would be interested in you, other then the Red Leather fan club that is.

Genesis: And how is your fan club progressing Mr. _Vice_ President?

Rufus: About as well as your termination papers.

**Kunsel: Hey hey hey! Let's focus on the questions okay? Ok Cloud what is your answer to the former question?**

Cloud: I guess…it's like the shower rooms at a highschool. There are the bigger guys trying to show off, the smaller guys trying not to be seen, and always one guy crying in the corner.

**Kunsel: Great! There you go! Next question, addressed to SOLDIER's General Sephiroth!**

_Question: Sephiroth, do you like cats? Because you look like you might like cats. Can I give you a cat?_

Sephiroth: I have no feelings towards cats. And no, you may not give me a cat.

Genesis: Why would you want to give him a cat? Why not give me a cat? I am much better then Sephiroth!

Sephiroth: Of course you are, General Rhapso- oh wait, I had a momentary lapse of memory. I am the General, you are my subordinate.

Genesis: How dare you! You dare talk to me like that!

**Kunsel: ANNND our next question is addressed to our Vice-President Rufus Shinra!**

_Question: Mr. Shinra, why do you always look so grouchy?_

Rufus: Because I have to tolerate stupid questions like this without evicting you from the cardboard box you no doubt live in.

**Kunsel: Thank you for that question fan! Our next question is addressed to the Commander of the TURKs, Tseng!**

_Question: Do you ever touch the dot on your forehead to see if it's a self-destruct button?_

Tseng:….no. I can honestly say I have never done nor will ever do such a thing. Though Reno has on occasion. *Glares at Reno, who sits there nonchalantly picking through a wallet*

Reno: *Looks up* What? You can't say you weren't curious, yo.

Reeve:….Is that my wallet?

Reno: Am I a TURK?

**Kunsel: Here's our next question! This one is addressed to our favorite Wutainian Princess Yuffie!**

_Question: YUFFIE! STOP STEALING MY FUCKING MATERIA! Signed, Barrett._

Yuffie: WHO SAYS I'M STEALING YOUR MATERIA!? WHO SAYS I'M NOT JUST STEALING IT BACK AFTER YOU STOLE IT FROM ME!?

Barrett: QUIT LYIN' FOOL!

**Kunsel: And our final question is addressed to everyone's favorite Crimson Commander, Genesis Rhapsodos!**

Genesis: Finally!

_Question: Genesis, please stop attempting to ruin my reputation by cosplaying as me and pretending to whore yourself out at the Honey Bee Inn. Signed, Sephiroth_.

Genesis: I'VE NEVER DONE SUCH A THING! DON'T BLAME ME JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE AN ATTENTION SEEKING WHORE! *throws coffee mug at Sehpiroth's head, which he dodges. Only causing said coffee mug to smash against the side of Rufus's head*

Rufus: I want HIM DEAD! *pulls out shotgun, begins shooting at Genesis; who is now fully engaged in battle with Sephiroth*

**Kunsel: *dodges part of cushion being flung in his direction* And that's all the time we have for today! Join us again next time here on Cirque De Shinra!**

*Camera falls, hitting the ground and cracking the lense*


	2. Chapter 2

**Kunsel: Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of Cirque De Shinra! It's me, Kunsel, along with your favorite heroes, villains, and ninjas here to answer all of your questions! Our first question of the day is-**

Genesis: Actually, I have a question for the people of Gaia. WHY is SEPHIROTH the hero? His personality is equivalent to that of a wet mop, the only emotion he ever shows is his default face, and he dresses like a drag queen. Why is he your hero? Why not me? I mean look at me! *stands up from the tan lounge chair, puts his hands on his hips, and flips his hair before winking at the camera*

Rufus: I believe I can answer this question. Sephiroth is the hero because he doesn't try to molest SOLDIER cadets; he doesn't set every plant in the Shinra tower on fire or try to pound LOVELESS quotes into our heads with his nonstop prattling. And he doesn't HIT ME IN THE HEAD WITH A COFFEE CUP!

** Kunsel: Hehe, since we've settled that, let's move on to our first question, which is addressed to the Science Department's executive Professor Hojo!**

_Question: Why are you so wrong? And I mean that in a psychological way. I just can't put what's wrong with you into words. Signed, KHGiggle._

Hojo: Oh yes, I am so terribly wrong. Which is why I have won countless awards for my discoveries, helped bring about the creation of materia, and through determination and time I created….er fathered Gaia's hero. I didn't realize how much intellect was frowned upon in this society.

Sephiroth: Is that what you call parenting? On my seventh birthday you gave me a mako injection for a present and then forced to run a maze for six hours while you monitored my vital signs.

Hojo: And I did it out of love.

Sephiroth: Yes, a love of science.

**Kunsel: AND our next question is addressed to ex-TURK Vincent Valentine!**

Question:….Your cape, I like that shit. Can I have it?

Yuffie: Good luck with that! I've been trying for 2 years to get that thing from him! I even offered to trade this with him! *holds up one of Genesis's leather jackets*

Genesis: You little brat! That's made from the finest Wutainian leather!

Yuffie: You are using my Wutainian brethren to make your stupid coats!?

Genesis: *smirks* Yes, I am. And they are doing a fabulous job.

**Kunsel: Hey let Vincent answer the question! Well, Mr. Valentine**?

Vincent:…..no.

Yuffie: See, I told you.

**Kunsel: And our next question goes to everyone's favorite Puppy of SOLDIER Zack Fair! **

_Question: How do you make your hair so damn spiky? I keep trying to make mine like that but it never works_.

**Kunsel: Alright Zack what do you…..where's Zack?**

Cloud: He was here a few minutes ago.

*Loud explosion from hall, 2 minutes later Zack and Reno come running in with black soot covering their faces and their clothes smoking*

Cloud: Zack! What the hell happened to you!?

Cissnei: Reno what did you do now?

Reno: Why is it always me yo?

Zack: We might've blown up the ice machine….on accident. But don't worry! No one was hurt…too badly. *Scratches neck nervously*

Genesis: Just how do you set an ice machine on fire?

Zack: Well it wasn't so much the machine as the ice itself that caught on fire…

Rufus:…Am I paying them to be idiots?

Zack: RENO DARED ME THAT I COULDN'T DO IT!

Angeal: You set company property on fire because of a dare. I am disappointed in you Puppy.

Reno: He proved me wrong yo.

Lazard: Angeal this is no worse then the time Genesis and yourself replaced all of company's repair manuals with Playboy magazines when all of the elevators were broken down.

Zack: You did what Angeal!?

Angeal:…It was a long time ago.

Rufus: Just how old are you then?

Kunsel: Hey guys let's get back to the show! So Zack, how do you make your hair so spiky?

Zack:…Kunsel why do you care?

**Kunsel: *facepalm* It was the question asked to you by a viewer**.

Zack: OH! Okay then. My mom told me when I was kid that it was the hair fairies that made my hair this way….what?

Cid: One o' SOLDIERs mos' promisin' eh?

Rufus: Hojo I thought you said mako increased intelligence.

Hojo: It is of little help if you have an IQ of 30 to begin with.

Cloud: It's okay Zack. I don't think you're an idiot.

Zack: Gee thanks Spike! *pulls Cloud into bone crushing hug*

Genesis: And now on Cirque De Shinra watch Second Class Zackary Fair kill his best friend via strangulation.

Zack: Huh? *sees Cloud turning blue* AHH! I'M SORRY CLOUD!

Cloud: It's alright Zack.

**Kunsel: Next question! This is addressed to Gaia's greatest airship pilot Cid Highwind!**

_Question: How are you still alive? You smoke, what, six packs of cigarettes a day? How are you not dead yet?_

Cid: 'Cause I'm Cid Highwind! Ya got a problem wit' that?

Reno: He's more un-killable then the guy in the cape with the tinfoil shoes. *Jabs a thumb at Vincent.

Vincent: *blinks*

**Kunsel: And the last question of the show goes to….Zack. Again.**

_Question: What's the pass code to the security lock on the side of the set?_

Zack: 63127…..wait.

*rabid fangirls come barging onto the set*

Rufus:*Strangling Zack* YOU IDIOT! YOU DAMN MORON! LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE!

Sephiroth: *being mauled by members of Silver Elite*

Genesis:*Running for his life as Red Leather members chase him while quoting LOVELESS* BY THE GODDESS SOMEONE HELP ME!

Angeal: *Already locked himself in a supply closet and is waiting for reinforcements as members of Honor Keepers attempt to break the door down*

Reno: *has hands covering his head and has climbed up onto one of the light fixtures*

Nanakai:*Being covered by girls going "AWWWW"*

Cloud: *Trying to separate Zack and Rufus while keeping fangirls from stealing pieces of his hair*

Vincent:*Already disappeared into the shadows*

Barrett: GET THE FUCK BACK! BACK I SAID! *waving gun arm around, only to be tackled from behind*

Yuffie: AHHHH FANBOYS! GET THEM AWAY! *running in circles as deranged fanboys chase her around the set*

Tifa and Aerith: *Hiding behind the set of fake curtains*

Tseng:* carrying Rufus bridal style as he runs from both his own and his boss's fangirls*

Elena:* attempting to drive the fanboys back with a lamp*

Zack:*carrying Cloud over his shoulder as he runs towards the exit door, only to be tackled by a ten year old and stopped long enough for the rest of the fangirls to catch them*

**Kunsel:*suddenly appears very close to the camera* Well this looks like the end of the show! Join us again next time here on Cirque De Shinra!**

Fangirl: KUNSEL! *tackles Kunsel to the ground, last thing camera catches is Kunsel's helmet being thrown before shutting off*

**Author's Note: I have so much fun writing stories like this. Anyway, if you want to ask a character a question just message it to me and I'll include it in the next chapter. Oh, and there might be a special guest star making an appearance next chapter. His name is…..AXEL! Haha, I always wanted him and Reno to meet. So this is how it's going to happen. Well, thanks for reading!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Kunsel: Welcome back folks to another episode of Cirque De Shinra! This time we have a special guest star, please welcome celebrity Axel Flame!**

Axel: *Jogs onto stage waving and blowing kisses to the audience, takes a seat next to Genesis.* It's good to be here with all these heroes and not-so-heroes. I'm a big fan of all of you, got it memorized?

Genesis: Why must he sit next to me?

Angeal: *sigh* Quit complaining Genesis.

**Kunsel: And here's our first question! Addressed to our Crimson Commander!**

_Question: Genesis can I marry you? And stop angsting about being a monster! You're not!_

Genesis: May I just start by saying you have excellent taste, but unfortunately I am not looking to commit right now sweetie. But if you were looking for something a little less permanent…

**Kunsel: AND do you have anything to say about that last bit?**

Genesis: *waves hand dismissively* have no fear, little dove. I have long since made peace with what I am. But I thank you for your support.

Rufus: Do you have to talk like an idiot all the time? Can you speak in this century?

Genesis: As you can see, jealously is the ugliest trait.

Rufus: Yes, I am obviously so terribly jealous of a person who gets thrown onto a battlefield with the threat of dying everyday. In fact, I sit in my hot tub at night with two Playboy bunnies on each side and sob over the jealously I feel for you.

Genesis: That would explain the abundance of wrinkles on your skin.

**Kunsel: TIME FOR OUR NEXT QUESTION! This is addressed to everyone's favorite chocobo haired buddy Cloud Strife!**

_ Question: How do you feel about the Sephiroth/Cloud yaoi fanfiction?_

Cloud: *chuckles nervously* I…um…think some of them are well-written. EXCEPT FOR THE RAPE FICS! Those scare me.

Zack: SEPHIROTH YOU'RE RAPING CLOUD!?

Sephiroth:…Angeal, it is only out of respect for you that I have not impaled the Puppy already.

Angeal: And I thank you. Zack, Sephiroth is not raping anyone. They were referring to fiction stories.

Zack: *looks at camera, horrified* YOU ARE SICK PEOPLE!

**Kunsel: NEXT QUESTION! Oh, this one goes to our guest star Axel Flame and our red-haired TURK Reno Sinclair!**

_Question: Are you guys long lost brothers?_

Axel: *looks at Reno*

Reno: *looks at Axel*

Both: We have no idea.

Genesis: Gods, I hope not. I can barely stand one idiotic redhead around here.

Reno: Now you know how the rest of us feel, yo. At least I don't try to kill everyone with that LOVELESS shit.

Axel: Is he always this damn mean? And I know mean, I live with Xemans got it memorized?

Rufus: Yes, but the rudeness comes from his oversized ego.

**Kunsel: FOCUS ON THE QUESTIONS! Ok the next question is addressed to…me?**

_Question: What color is your hair Kunsel? Because everyone has different ideas what it looks like. Signed, Genesis R._

*awkward silence*

Genesis: What? I'm curious. So little chickabo, what color is your hair?

Rufus: You are such a pedophile.

Genesis: Don't flatter yourself. I don't like annoying spoiled rich boys.

Rufus: You realized you just described yourself right?

Genesis: Coming from a small town where if you have over 500 gil you are considered rich doesn't count.

Tseng: Sir, should we not let Kunsel answer the question?

**Kunsel: Uh, it's kind a dirty blonde mixed with a little orange. Think of sand mixed with Doritos cheese.**

Genesis: Adorable!

Rufus: Pedophile.

**Kunsel: NEXT QUESTION! This is addressed to Reno yet again!**

_Question: Reno, will you go out with me? Signed lilith dracul._

Reno: *smiles and folds arms behind his head* Sure babe. What time you wanna do this yo?

Kadaj: Man whore. You don't even know who that is.

Reno: Doesn't matter yo. I know a pretty lady when I hear one.

Rufus: How did he end up as second in command?

Tseng: He is the most agile TURK in the history of TURKs. No, the second most agile. Mr. Valentine holds that title.

Vincent:….it is of no concern to me.

Reno: Whatever, how am I supposed to compete with a vampire yo?

**Kunsel: And we will move onto our next question! This one is addressed to Elena!**

_Question: Elena, are you and Rufus related? Because you look like you could be._

Elena: No, I don't believe we are.

Rufus: We aren't. Don't ask again.

Genesis: So pushy.

Angeal: Genesis…stop it.

** Kunsel: And the last question of the show! This is addressed to….all of us.**

_ Question: What would you do if a cat girl has broken into the Shinra Tower and is headed towards the new set…? Signed, Security Personnel._

Rufus: YOU WOULD BE FIRED!

*loud shouting could be heard off camera*

Genesis: I DO NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS AGAIN!

*A girl with fluffy ears and tail comes bounding onto the set and latches onto Reno*

Reno: AHH! WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON YO!

Genesis: *has fallen onto the ground and is laughing so hard tears are coming out of his eyes*

Kadaj: Ha! That's what you deserve!

Cat girl: I LOVE YOU RENO! *purring*

Hojo: Such a fascinating specimen…

Reno: Uh, thanks yo. But ya gotta let go alright? *gestures to Rude to get the cat girl off*

Rude: *sighs, moves to grab the cat girl from behind*

Cat girl: MINE! *Grabs Reno and drags him off set and into the hall*

Reno: HEY WHY ARE YOU JUST SITTIN' THERE! HELP ME YO!

*long pause*

All: *breaks out in laughter*

**Kunsel: *wiping tears from his eyes* Tune in next time to Cirque De Shinra!**

**Author's Note: Heh, I have to thank lilith dracul for unintentionally giving me the cat girl idea. And a big THANK YOU to all of you who are reviewing and sending in questions! I feel I need to explain some things. The Cloud in this is Cadet Cloud, Rufus is still the Vice President. Genesis, Angeal, and Sephiroth did all go crazy but for this story's sake let's just say they were healed and went back to work. THE REMNANTS ARE HERE TOO! I know I didn't need to scream that, but they are some of my favorite characters. Especially Kadaj and Loz. So continue to read and send in questions for your favorite characters! Next guest star will be….DANTE! Of Devil May Cry. Ok? Great! Now I'm off to work on another story that I must update. Until next time!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Kunsel: Hello everyone! Welcome to another episode of Cirque De Shinra! Kunsel here with all of your favorite characters! And now let's welcome our guest for this show, Dante Sparada!**

Dante: *walks onto stage, smiling at waving at the audience. Takes seat next to Sephiroth*

Genesis: He's stealing my style! Look! I wore it first! *gestures to red leather coat*

Dante: Who are you?

**Kunsel: AND HERE IS OUR FIRST QUESTION! Addressed to Professor Hojo!**

_Question: Right I said I meant it in a psychological way. While you are probably a psychopath, a sociopath, who experimented on your wife and unborn child, broke Vincent's spirit, ruined Aerith's childhood, and many other things I am sure fans are unaware of, you are a genius. I don't like it, but I'm willing to admit it. Can't say I'm surprised though, I figured something like that might happen. Signed, KHGiggle._

Hojo: Ugh, you again? You seem to like to play on emotions, so I can only assume you are nothing but a weak human. A psychopath? In order to realize your true potential you must not let pathetic human emotions get in your way. My _wife_ knew what she was there for, to bear my child. And as for my son, everything I did to my son made him stronger, better, unstoppable! As for the idiot TURK, he shouldn't have meddled in business that was of no concern to him. And the Cetra? She belongs in my labrotories.

Vincent: You killed Lucrecia, you are more a monster then I ever will be.

Hojo: Oh shut it you angst fest.

Sephiroth: I am not his son. He is not my father. The only relation he is to me is my tormentor.

Aerith: I thank you for your concern and care, but it made us all stronger. So don't be too upset for us.

**Kunsel: Well, that was rather serious. Now it's time for our next question! Addressed to Genesis Rhapsodos!**

_Question: Are you a vampire? Signed, KHGiggle._

Genesis:…I'm sorry love, I think you have me confused with that cross-dresser. *gestures towards Dante*

Dante: I'm half demon jackass, but I don't hold it against you. Those chemicals from that cheap hair dye must be doing something to your fuckwad of a brain.

Genesis: I AM ALL NATURAL YOU BASTARD!

Dante: Yeah, an all natural ass hole.

**Kunsel: NEXT QUESTION! This one is for everyone's favorite Remnant Kadaj!**

Cid: Who the hell would call him our favorite? *flicks cigarette, hits Hojo*

Hojo: I will perform a series of extremely painful experiments on your tentacles causing them to-

Kadaj: TELL ME WHAT THE DAMN QUESTION IS!

_Question: How do you feel about Yuffie comparing you to larva? Signed, lilith dracul. _

Kadaj: She's an idiot. Mother tells me not to pay attention to the stupidity of humans. Especially female humans.

Dante: You ever been laid before?

Kadaj: I have no time for such distractions! All my time is dedicated to finding Mother!

Tifa: Are you sure you want to find your "Mother" again?

Kadaj: Why wouldn't I?!

Tifa: Because the last time you found your "Mother" you turned into Sephiroth.

Cloud: That was awkward. You should have seen them when they first met. Kadaj was still General Sephiroth. No one could tell them apart. Until Kadaj called me "Big brother."

**Kunsel: Alright alright, time for the next question! This is addressed to our favorite ex-TURK Vincent Valentine!**

_Question: Why exactly aren't you trying to kill Hojo right now? I mean, he DID sort of screw you and Lucrecia over with the whole Chaos and Deepground thing. Signed, Knightmare Frame Razgriz_

Vincent:…do to the contract I signed, I am not allowed to cause harm to the sociopath on camera. However, off camera is another matter entirely.

Hojo: Are you a friend of that KHGiggle? You both seem to have warped conceptions of me.

Reno: They aren't warped conceptions yo. You're just a fucked up person.

**Kunsel: SHUT UP AND LET ME SAY THE NEXT QUESTION! This question goes out to our little cadet Cloud Strife!**

_ Question: Have you ever caught any of the First Classes in odd situations while going about your daily duties? If so, please do tell. Signed, Knightmare Frame Razgriz._

Cloud: Where do I even begin…there was the time I caught Commander Rhapsodos dressed up as Vincent and attempting to bite Tseng.

Genesis: I TOLD YOU TO NEVER SPEAK OF THAT CADET!

Dante: So you are a vampire huh?

Genesis: SHUT IT YOU UNCULTURED BAFOON! *throws a lightning materia at Dante*

Yuffie: *intercepts materia* MINE ALL MINE!

Cloud: Then there was the time I caught Commander Hewley twerking to Rihanna.

Zack:…Angeal?

Angeal: *blushing* I have no idea what that Cadet is talking about.

Genesis: Did you happen to catch that on tape?

Reno: I did yo. Two hundred gil for a copy

Cloud: And then I caught the General dressed up as Gwen Stefani and singing "Hollaback Girl".

Genesis: *howling in laughter on the floor*

Zack: Seriously Sephiroth?

Sephiroth: I will kill you Strife.

Yuffie: You already tried that, a lot.

Barrett: AND YOU FAILED FOOL!

Rufus: Must you always scream? Did you lose your hearing as well as a hand?

Barrett: YOU SHINRA DOGS ARE THE REASON WHY I LOST MY HAND!

Rufus: And I am proud of that.

**Kunsel: Alright thanks fan! And the next question goes out to….the author/producer of Cirque De Shinra! You can all call her Kay!**

_ Question: Did you ever think about adding the Tsviets to the story? That would be a lot of craziness. You don't have too, just a thought._

Kay: *pops up next to Kunsel* Well actually I have been seriously considering that. I was only waiting for someone to request them be added. So you can believe they will be in the next episode!

Genesis: Wait wait wait, there are far too many idiots on this set already. I don't want to deal with anymore brainless fools!

Kay: Shut it Genesis! It would be interesting and you know it! Besides, you could drool over Weiss.

Genesis: *speechless*

Zack: She called you out Genesis!

Kay: Well, back to the show! And remember, you all signed contracts so NO KILLING EACH OTHER OR I'LL CASTRATE YOU!

Reno: Why do you assume it will only be the guys who kill someone yo!? That's sexist!

Kay: Because the guys are the ones who start all the fights. Kunsel ask the next question!

**Kunsel: With pleasure! The next question is to Sephiroth!**

_Question: Why did you cut off Jenova's head in the reactor?_

Sephiroth: Jenova was controlling me. I wanted to be under my own influence when I destroyed the wretched planet.

Rufus: But now he has been completely healed and is mentally stable so he will not be attempting to destroy the planet any time soon.

Sephiroth:…Whatever you say Mr. Vice President.

**Kunsel: AND wow look at that we have another question! This is to our Vice President Rufus Shinra!**

Rufus:*sigh* very well.

_Question: Have you heard the rumors going around that a certain Director of SOLDIER might be your half-brother?_

Rufus:….I noticed in your question you said rumors. Because that is what they are. Rumors. Please send in your name so that I may send one of my TURKs to _attend_ to your concerns personally.

Zack: YOU HEARD WHAT KAY SAID RUFUS!

Rufus: Shut up you annoying mako enhanced dog!

Kay: *voice can be heard outside of studio* I'LL DO IT RUFUS! I SWEAR TO ODIN I WILL CUT THEM OFF!

Lazard: What is the problem Rufus? You don't want me as an older brother? Or are you afraid I would rival you for presidency once our….I apologize, I mean _your_ father dies?

**Kunsel: TIME FOR THE NEXT QUESTION! This is addressed to our General Sephiroth!**

_Question: Sephiroth did I see you at the Honey Bee Inn? You were…sitting on a man's lap, although your eyes looked a bit strange_.

Sephiroth: Damn it Genesis I told you to stop doing that. If you want to be a whore, do it under your own reputation.

Genesis: You are absolutely right fan! That was Sephiroth! And his eyes were strange because he does drugs! Take that as a lesson children! You don't want to be like drug using, whores like the General! You want to be like me!

Sephiroth: A man who dresses like his superior, does drugs, and whores himself out.

** Kunsel: WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT IT'S TIME FOR THE LAST QUESTION OF THE DAY! This is addressed to all of us.**

_Question:…I'm coming for you. I'm under your seats. I'm waiting._

All: *long silence*

Zack: I don't want to check. Someone else check.

Sephiroth: *checks under seat* AHHH! *pulls head up, there's a crab stuck to his nose*

Cid: WHAT THE HELL!?

*Crabs begin coming out from under all the chairs and couches*

Reno: OWWWW! *jumps out of seat, there's a crab stuck to his ass*

Yuffie: GET ME OUTTA HERE!

*stranger jumps down from the rafters, dressed in a crab suit*

Crab Man: MWHAHAHAHA! I AM THE CRAB LORD!

Kay: DAMN IT WHO LET THIS GUY IN!

**Kunsel: And we have reached the conclusion of this episode of Cirque De Shinra! Join us again next ti-AAHAAHHHHHH GET IT OFF GET IT OFF! **

*camera lowers to see crab attached to Kunsel's groin*

** Author's Note: I love this chapter. Ok, so the Tsviets will joining the crew on the next episode feel free to send in some questions for them. And the next guest star will be…Riku! Ok? Great! And I normally don't like doing this, but I published a story that I have high hopes for. So please go check out A Soldier's Story! Thanks so much for reading and for all of your support! Oh, and feel free to send in requests for guest stars.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Kunsel: Hello everyone and welcome to another episode of the hit television show Cirque De Shinra! Please help me welcome the newest members to our show, the Tsviets!**

Weiss: I did not agree to this.

Rufus: Yes you did. It was in the conditions of your surrender and peace treaty.

Weiss: I saw nothing that mentioned this!

Rufus: Then you should learn to read the fine print.

Nero: Must we do this brother?

Weiss: Apparently so.

**Kunsel: And now another warm welcome for our guest star for this show, Riku Destiny!**

Riku: It's great to be here with all of you. I've read a lot about the stuff you've all done. *takes a seat next to Loz*

Loz: *stares*

Riku: *stares*

Loz:…brother?

**Kunsel: And here's our first question! This is addressed to none other then Tifa Lockhart!**

_ Question: If you had to choose between marrying Rufus (divorce not allowed) or French kissing Sephiroth for an hour, what will it be? You must choose! Signed lapaxlove._

Tifa: Who said I have to choose!? I won't do it!

*midget runs onto stage and hands Kunsel a note, runs off*

Kunsel: Nope, boss said you have to Tifa! She said if you don't she release those pictures from the Christmas party to the press.

Tifa: THAT'S NOT FAIR!

Zack: *looks up from Sephiroth action figure* Huh?

Genesis: JUST ANSWER THE BLOODY QUESTION!

Tifa: *sigh* I guess… I would French kiss Sephiroth for an hour.

Cloud: Really?

Tifa: They didn't say I couldn't bite him during that time.

Sephiroth: I would impale you with Masamune before you had the chance.

Yuffie: BOSS SAID NO IMPALING ON THE SET! Especially after she caught Genesis and Angeal in the dressing-

Genesis: FINISH THAT SENTENCE AND I'LL FRY YOU!

**Kunsel: NEXT QUESTION TIME! This is addressed to…all of us.**

Reno: *screams and crawls over Rude* NO MORE CRABS!

Rude: *grunts and pushes Reno to the floor*

_Question: Wow, you guys are all so awesome! Can I please give you all a hug? Signed, DreamerJ._

Weiss: What kind of question is that?

Zack:….you want to hug Hojo?

Hojo: What are you implying Mr. Fair?

Zack:…..you're creepy.

Yuffie: I know I am irresistible! But I don't go around just hugging random people you know!

Kadaj: You are not irresistible. You are delusional.

Yuffie: YOU'RE NOT EVEN A REAL PERSON!

Zack: HEY THAT WAS TOO FAR YUFFIE!

Yazoo: Don't cry Loz.

Loz: But-but that girl is m-mean! *sniffles*

Genesis: Great, now that he's started he won't stop for hours.

**Kunsel: WE ARE MOVING ON TO THE NEXT QUESTION! This is addressed to the leader of the Tsviets, Weiss!**

_ Question: How many bottles of gel are used to keep your hair in style? Signed, Kiku._

Weiss: What is the reason behind all of these fans obsessions with our hair?

Zack: Because our hair is awesome.

Rufus: Perhaps you didn't read the entire contract, but you must answer all of your questions. SO ANSWER IT SO WE CAN MOVE ON!

Cloud: He's edgy today.

Tseng: Yes, the coffee machine upstairs is broken.

Weiss: I do not use any "gel" on my hair.

**Kunsel: Our next question is addressed to our Vice President Rufus Shinra!**

Rufus:…If I must.

Nero: You must Mr. Shinra.

_Question: Would you rather have a laugh like Scarlett or Heidegger? You have to answer or be impaled by Masamune!_

Sephiroth: Do not bring myself and my Masamune into these ridiculous questions.

Rufus: I would rather be impaled _by_ Masamune then have either of those damned sounds belonging to myself.

.Genesis: WELL YOU HEARD HIM SEPHIROTH IMPALE HIM!

Sephiroth: Genesis…

Genesis: Yes Sephy dear?

Sephiroth: Shut your mouth for once.

**Kunsel: And our next question is to Professor Hojo!**

_Question: Yes, I am human. A perfectly normal human. I may be weak physically (I'm five foot and can't seem to put on weight) but I don't know if I'm weak mentally or psychologically as I've never been in a situation to test that. On a side note I have never met Vincent and probably never will since I don't get out much. Signed, KHGiggle._

Hojo: Girl, I am beginning to wonder whether you are stalking me or simply a fool. But I promise you this, spend a weak in my labs dear and you will have the answer to your _psychologically_ strength. I guarantee it. And as for Mr. Valentine, you two should get on famously considering you are both anti-social.

Yuffie: SHUT UP HOJO YOU BIG JERK! *hits Hojo with pillow*

** Kunsel: Let's move on to the next question. This is addressed to our guest star Riku Destiny!**

Riku: Lay it on me.

_ Question: Riku are you related to Sephiroth? There's a bit of an unfortunate resemblance there… Signed, KHGiggle._

Riku: *looks at Sephiroth* I don't know. Well Mr. General, are you my old man?

Genesis: WHAT!? YOU HAVE A CHILD!?

Hojo: I've always wanted grandchildren I could alter…I mean pamper.

Sephiroth: I am not your father. I have not ever had intercourse before.

Reno: Wait what? You're a virgin yo?

Sephiroth: Yes. What is the problem with that?

Reno: It's just, women practically throw themselves at your feet yo. Why the hell haven't you done something about that?

Sephiroth: I've no desire to.

Genesis: Ladies and Gentlemen, Sephiroth the asexual.

Tseng: I think we should move on from the topic of General Sephiroth's sexual experience.

**Kunsel: I couldn't have said it better myself! Our next question is for Avalanche leader Barrett!**

_ Question: Are you Mr. T? Or at least related to him in some way? Signed, KHGiggle._

Barrett: WHO THE HELL IS DIS MR. T FOOL?!

Kay: *pops up next to Barrett* Hello audience, I would like to reminded you that they *gestures to gathered characters* are not from our world. So they have no idea who any of our celebrities are and such. The only celebrities they know of are the ones I bring in from our world. Sephiroth's knowing of Gwen Stefani is only because I compared the two of them and when he didn't know what I was talking about I showed him the downloadable album. By the way, if anyone is looking to go on vacation in Gaia they have excellent cell service. But I could say that Sephiroth reminded me of Justin Bieber and he would have no idea what I was talking about. So if you are going to ask a question involving a celebrity, a brief description would be extremely helpful to these little darlings.

Sephiroth: Who is this Justin Bieber?

Kay: Don't worry about it Seph. Kunsel next question time!

**Kunsel: You got it! Our next question is addressed to all of us!**

_Question: What is your guilty pleasure? Signed, lilitachisama_

**Kunsel: Well mine is easy! I love spyiiii-er seeing what all of my friends are up to, especially when they least expect it.**

Rufus: COFFEE! GODS DAMN COFFEE IS MY GUILY PLEASURE!

Reno:…Do I have to yo?

**Kunsel: Kay said yes**.

Reno: You know those dress up games you can play on the computer? Yeah…

Genesis: That's so manly Reno!

Reno: What's yours yo!

Genesis: Midgar Gossip.

Angeal: Well…I enjoy…in my spare time…those Cheater shows. Kay has an extensive collection that she allows me to borrow.

Zack: MY LITTLE PONY! Kay gave me one year for Christmas and it was just the most adorable thing ever! Oh, and I like covering Cloud in whipped cream and-

Cloud: ZACK!

Zack: Heh, sorry Spikey.

Cloud: Er, um, my guilty pleasure is…Lisa Frank stickers. I collect them.

Rude: ….Bugs.

Reno: What do you mean partner?

Rude: Anything to do with bugs.

Tseng:….Scented candles of all sorts.

Elena: Oh…I…um…enjoy working very much.

Reno: Ha! She just likes spending time with Ts-*being strangled by Elena*

Cissnei: Don't kill him. Spicy food. ALL kinds of spicy food.

Yuffie: MATERIA! ALL THE MATERIA IS MINE!

Barrett: OPERA FOOL!

Sephiroth:….This Gwen Stefani is…pleasant to listen to.

Tifa: Well, I love those chocolate covered cherries.

Cloud: Tifa you hate cherries.

Tifa: I know that, they stick to Rufus's car though.

Rufus: YOU'VE BEEN THE ONE DOING THAT!

Vincent:….Karaoke.

Nero: Brother, I do not wish to do this.

Weiss: Do it Nero.

Nero: *sigh*….masturbation.

*awkward silence*

Kay: MOVE ON!

Weiss:…I…well… really brother?

Nero: This is why I did not want to do this.

Weiss:…Card games.

Rosso: Sky diving dears.

Azul:…Chess.

Shelke: Not having Lucrecia memories take over my own for a time.

Kadaj:…kittens.

Loz: POTATO GUNS!

Kadaj: GROW UP LOZ!

Yuffie: YOU SAID KITTENS!

Yazoo: Being away from my brothers.

Aeirth: I love horror movies!

Hojo:…everything I do would be considered a guilty pleasure in the eyes of those with "morals".

Riku: Surfing. On a dolphin.

**Kunsel: That was a long time in answering. Oh well! Time for the next question! This is addressed to Rufus Shinra!**

_Question: *holding DNA test results in hand* It has been confirmed that Lazard is indeed your older-half brother. What are you going to do now? Signed, lilitachisama_

Rufus:…you must have obtained a sample of my blood in order to carry out that DNA test. You assaulted me. TSENG KILL THAT IDIOT!

Lazard: Well, I thank you for proving the rumors true. It is appreciated.

Tseng: Yes s-

Kay: *shouting from outside of studio* NO KILLING THE VIEWERS! KUNSEL ASK THE NEXT QUESTION!

**Kunsel: AH! Ok! This is to our General!**

_Question: Would you believe that Vincent is might be father? You two look very similar; it's just an observation. I refuse to let Hojo claim you as his son. Signed lilitachisama_

Hojo: You have no control over who I claim as my-

Sephiroth: It is plausible. However I do not care enough to bother finding out. It doesn't matter to me who my father is.

Vincent:….It is….possible.

Loz: Does that make Vincent our grandpa?

Sephiroth: I am not your father either.

Genesis: You are the worst parent I have ever met.

Sephiroth: I am sure I am a better parent then you would be.

**Kunsel: NO ARGUING! Next question! This is to our Crimson Commander Genesis Rhapsodos!**

_Question: Who wrote the 5th act of LOVELESS? Signed lilitachisama_

Genesis: I have spent all of my life studying this poem, and have yet to come up with that answer myself. I imagine, it was Gaia's champion once he had been reborn from the Lifestream.

Yuffie: Why do you assume the champion is a boy!? YOU SEXIST!

Genesis: It is the only _logical_ answer. I don't expect you to understand.

Sephiroth: Nor do we expect you to understand.

**Kunsel: ANNNND OUR NEXT QUESTION IS TO CID HIGHWIND!**

_Question:_ _Have you ever thought of proposing to Shera? She been with you for_

_Gaia knows how long. Signed lilitachisama_

Cid: What business is it o' yours if I perpos' to my damn women!?

**Kunsel: Next question! Addressed to every ones favorite baldy Rude!**

_Question:_ _Is it true you have a crush on Tifa? Signed lilitachisama_

Rude:….*begins to blush*

Reno: Does that answer your question yo?

Kunsel: And the last question of the show goes to the quietest of the Remnants Yazoo!

_Question: How in the hell do you put with Kadaj and Loz_?_ Signed lilitachisama___

Yazoo: Very simple; ear plugs. And they have quite a lot of mako in them so if I shoot them they heal relatively quickly.

**Kunsel: Well that concludes this episode of Cirque De-!**

Random person: THEY ESCAPED I DON'T KNOW HOW BUT THEY DID!

Zack: What escaped!?

Random Person: THE TENTACLE MONSTERS!

*giant tentacle comes out of the hallway and grabs Zack, dragging him into the hall*

Zack: AHHHHH ITS GONNA RAPE ME!

** Kunsel: AND THIS CONCLUDES THIS EPISODE OF CIRQUE DE SHINRA JOIN US NEXT- DON'T LET IT TOUCH ME!**

** Author's Note: Well…Tentacle monsters. Hehe, I liked it. Anyway, the next episode the cast members will be taking "dare" requests. So send in some dares if you want! Any question I didn't get to will be added to the next episode! Thank you for all of your support!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Kunsel: Welcome to the latest episode of Cirque De Shinra! And because of his popularity on the last episode of, Riku Destiny has been brought back for an encore appearance!**

Riku: *Mock bows to the audience* Nice to be here again.

Genesis: He better not become a permanent member of the show, there are too many silver haired idiots here to begin with.

Sephiroth: Jealousy will get you no where Genesis.

**Kunsel: Well as you all know, this episode is all about dares! But we did receive a few questions as well, so we'll start with those first. This is addressed to our guest star Riku Destiny!**

_Question: Riku, darling, for the love of the Keyblade, please grow your hair out again. You looked so much more amazing with the KH2 hairstyle :) signed J_

Riku: Believe it or not, you aren't the first person who has told me this. But I like my hair this way, so it's gonna stay this way. Alright?

Genesis: Your hair looks shitty to begin with.

Riku: Compared to the dead animal you have on top of your head?

**Kunsel: NEXT QUESTION TIME! Rufus are you ready?**

Rufus: *sips coffee* Now I am.

_Question: Oh Rufus, why would I harm you when samples of your blood can be obtained at the blood bank? Lazard asked me to help him. Signed, Nikita._

Rufus: I am not surprised that Lazard could not handle such a simple task without the help of a girl.

Lazard: Isn't my little brother simply _adorable_ when he's a sexist ass?

**Kunsel: *sigh* Why did I agree to this job…NEXT QUESTION! Cid Highwind this is to you!**

Cid: Le' me 'ear it.

_Question: Cid, the world just wants to know and Shera's dreaming of a wedding, preferably on the Highwind. Just saying. Signed, Nikita_

Cid:...'re you one o' Shera's friends?

Yuffie: JUST MARRY HER ALREADY!

Cid: SHUT UP YA DAMN THIEF!

**Kunsel: SO HELP ME GODDESS I WILL *touches ear piece, sighs* fine. Next question is addressed to Genesis Rhapsodos!**

_Question: Genesis, don't be a sexist ass. Signed, Nikita._

Genesis: It was only the truth!

Sephiroth: I am surprised you know what the truth is.

Genesis: Sephy, bite me.

Sephiroth: I would, but you would probably like that.

**Kunsel: AND WE HAVE OUR NEXT QUESTION! This is to Professor Hojo!**

Hojo: *sigh* Why must I deal with these idiots?

Rufus: Because you signed a contract.

_Question: Hojo, aren't you supposed to be dead? I swear Vincent shot you several times. Signed, Nikita._

Hojo: You can thank Shinra's lovely new Science Department for this little miracle. In order to televise this show, Kay wanted to bring in _all_ of the characters. To do this, she had to pull a few strings. This would explain why we all signed these damned contracts.

Kay: DON'T GO HATING ON ME FOR THIS EITHER! YOU WOULDN'T HAVE THIS T.V. SHOW IF I HADN'T DONE IT! Kunsel next question!

**Kunsel: This one is to you Kay.**

_Question: By the way Kay, could you possibly let everyone vent out their frustrations on each other just once? Signed Nikita._

Kay: Unfortunately no. Do you know how difficult it is to bring one of them back to life without them being completely insane? I won't tell you how many tries it took to bring Sephy back without him trying to impale everything that moved.

Sephiroth: I could not control myself.

Kay: It didn't help that Genesis kept pissing him off when he was growing in the mako.

Genesis: I couldn't resist.

Angeal: And that got you stabbed through the chest.

**Kunsel: And our next question goes to Vincent Valentine!**

_Question: Vincent, may I ask where Lucrecia is? Signed Nikita._

Vincent: She is still encased in Crystal, the last time I observed her.

Kay: My abilities only stretch so far.

**Kunsel: Our next question goes to Tseng!**

_Question: Tseng how old are you? Signed Nikita._

Reno: NO ONE KNOWS YO!

Elena: I estimated he is about 29 or 30.

Rufus: Even I don't know. He won't tell anyone.

Tseng: That is classified information.

Hojo: The Science Department has been working on a truth serum…

Kay: DAMN IT HOJO I TOLD YOU YOU COULDN'T GO ANYWHERE NEAR THE SCIENCE DEPARTMENT!  
**Kunsel: Well, that was sorta answered. Let's hurry outta the questions so we can get on with the dares! Our next question goes Barrett!**

_Question: Hey, where are Marlene and Denzel? Signed, KHGiggle._

Barrett: THEY AT SEVENTH HEAVEN FOOL!

Tifa: Have you heard some of the questions on here? Do you think I would let them be here to listen to this?

Rufus: And Genesis might attempt to molest the boy.

Genesis: BY THE GODDESS I AM NOT A PEDOPHILE!

**Kunsel: Hope that answered your question. Our next question is to Riku Destiny!**

_Question: Are you dating Kairi, Riku? I need to know damn it! Signed, Abhita Destiny_

Riku: Kairi is like a little sister to me. So no, I am not dating her.

**Kunsel: Hold up Riku, we have another question for you!**

_Question: Riku, When are you going to confess your love to Sora? I mean, it's_

_obvious how you feel about him, what with getting all jealous and such. Plus I_

_can tell that he likes you back since he cried rivers when he saw you, so grow_

_a pair and confess! Signed Uchiha Riddle_

Riku: W-what? I have no idea what you're talking about. AND I DO HAVE A PAIR! *blushing*

Genesis: He can't be Sephiroth's child.

Sephiroth: Why is that Genesis?

Genesis: Because he shows emotion.

**Kunsel: And that completes our questions! Now we'll move onto the dares!**

All: *various groans*

Reno: *falls out of chair*

Rufus: What the hell is wrong with you?

Reno: I had one helluva night last night….

Elena: He's hungover.

**Kunsel: And our first dare goes to…all of us.**

_Dare: Everyone break out into a musical number! Signed, J._

Riku:….what the hell are we supposed to sing?

Kay: I imagined Mary Poppins.

Zack: Who?

Kay: I could make them do a High School Musical song…

Reno: *pulls out flask filled with whiskey* Eh?

Kay: Honestly, could you see them singing anything? Reno can barely walk right now. And Rufus would probably shoot someone. Then Genesis and Sephiroth would probably start fighting and I do not have the money to deal with another jacked up set.

**Kunsel:….so next dare time?**

Kay: Next dare time.

**Kunsel: And the next dare goes to Zack and Cloud!**

Zack: YAY!

_Dare: I dare Cloud and Zack to kiss...*promise not to video tape or sell footage to_

_fan girls* oops did I say that out loud...Mwhahaha! Signed, lilith dracul._

Cloud: *blushes like crazy* W-what!? No I-

Zack: *sweeps Cloud off of his feet and kisses him passionately*

Reno: *taking pictures* 50 gil for one yo. Or get a set of 3 for 125.

Genesis: I'll take a set of 3.

Rufus: Pervert.

**Kunsel: And our next dare goes to our General Sephiroth!**

_Dare:_ *_throws cat ears and tail to Sephiroth* here wear this and sing I'm a little tea pot! Signed, lilith dracul._

Sephiroth:…This is ridiculous.

Yuffie: YOU HAVE TO!

Zack: IT'S THE RULES!

Sephiroth:…*grabs Zack and Yuffie, ties them up with cat tail, and throws them through one of the fake walls* What cat tail?

Kay: Damn it…Sephiroth you're paying for that.

Rufus: Lazard control you're SOLDIERS.

Lazard: Do you have room to talk brother? You're redheaded TURK is attempting to have intercourse with a lamp.

Rufus: DAMN IT RENO QUIT MAKING SHINRA LOOK BAD ON TELEVISION!

**Kunsel: TURN THE CAMERA BACK OVER HERE! Ok, the next dare goes to…Yuffie!**

Kay: Someone go untie them.

*five minutes later*

Yuffie: HEY SEPHIROTH THAT WAS-

Genesis: SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO YOUR DARE!

_Dare: I dare Yuffie to steal Nero's mask! That ought to be interesting. Signed, KHGiggle._

Yuffie: That's easy! *begins sneaking up on Nero*

Nero: Do not even think of it Wutai Ninja. *uses metal wing to throw Yuffie into rafters*

Yuffie: I SHALL NOT GIVE UP! *Lunges at Nero, tackles him to the floor*

*2 minutes later*

Yuffie: *unconscious in corner of studio*

Nero: The next time you wish to annoy me please-*screams when Yuffie pops up behind him and steals his mask*

Rufus: He looks like a woman!

Genesis: His lips are huge!

Nero:….I hate all of you with a burning passion.

Yuffie: I AM THE MOST AMAZINGLY AWESOME PRINCESS NINJA OF WUTAI!

**Kunsel:…That was violent. Our next dare goes to our Cadet Cloud Strife and General Sephiroth!**

Cloud: Why do I have a bad feeling about this…

_Dare: Cloud and Sephiroth make out! Signed, Mici Angels_

Cloud:…why me?

Zack: NOOOOOO! *falls out of chair*

Sephiroth: *slight smirk* Come here Cadet. *grabs Cloud and pulls him into his lap*

Cloud: EEP! *voice cut off by Sephiroth's lips*

Genesis: DO I SEE TONGUE IN THERE!?

Angeal: *restraining Zack* Genesis, be quiet.

Zack: SPIKEY!

*10 minutes later*

**Kunsel: Well, how was it Cloud?**

Cloud: Gfwoerincxnejed…huh? *stumbles back to seat*

Sephiroth: *smirks* Next dare Kunsel.

Genesis: He is a bloody show off.

Zack: *crying* Spikey…why?

**Kunsel: The next dare goes to….it doesn't say.**

Kay: Let me see it….Ok this goes to Reno.

Reno: What I get yo?

_Dare: Kiss everyone in the room and then say who kisses best. Signed, Mici Angels._

Reno: I already know I kiss the best yo!

Kay: RENO DO IT OR I'LL CUT YOUR BALLS OFF!

Reno: Ugh, fine.

*several kisses later*

Reno: HE BIT ME YO! THAT BOTTLE REDHEAD BIT ME!

Genesis: *laughing hysterically*

Angeal: *sigh* Genesis…

**Kunsel: Reno keep going! **

Reno: *grumbles, continues to kiss, finishes by kissing Sephiroth*

**Kunsel: So, who kisses the best?**

Reno:….Sephiroth.

Genesis: THAT'S NOT TRUE!

Reno: DID YOU THINK I WAS GONNA SAY YOU YO!? YOU BIT ME!

**Kunsel: Next dare goes to…**

Kay: Just pick someone.

**Kunsel: Ok, it goes to Zack. He can eat anything**.

_Dare: Drink Coca Cola and Mentos. Signed Mici Angels._

Zack: OK! *grabs the bottle and mentos. Drinks them down*

Cloud:…how do you feel Zack?

Zack: Not to ba-* throws up all over Sephiroth*

Sephiroth: I am going to kill-

Yuffie: *smacks Sephiroth on the head* KAY SAID NO KILLING!

**Kunsel: ALRIGHT EVERYONE WE HAVE OUR NEXT DARE! This is to Genesis Rhapsodos!**

_Dare: Genesis read fanfiction! Signed, Mici Angels._

Genesis:…why would I want to read those horrid things? They pair me with that selfish bastard Sephiroth, or the blonde twerp Rufus.

Sephiroth: Did I ever ask your opinion of me?

Rufus: Who are you calling a twerp!? I am your superior!

Kay:…you've been getting into my yaoi haven't you Genesis?

Genesis: You have some of the most delightful favorites, my dear.

**Kunsel:…ok then. Here's our next dare! To….hell its Vincent and Sephiroth.**

_Dare: hit Hojo with a stick or something..._

Sephiroth: May I substitute a stick for my Masamune?

Vincent:…will Cerberus be sufficient?

Hojo: *nervous laugh* now now boys, I am sure Kay will not allow this, right?

Kay: Just don't kill him.

Hojo: *gets up and begins running around set, Sephiroth and Vincent chasing him. He runs off of the set, soon loud screams can be heard*

*15 minutes later, Sephiroth and Vincent return*

Reno: Have fun yo?

Cloud: Did you kill him?

Kay: I swear to Odin if I have to bring him back again…

Sephiroth: He's not dead. But he wishes he was.

Vincent: It was…good bonding time.

_Kunsel: *sigh* Our next dare goes to Tifa Lockheart!_

_Dare: I dare you to French Kiss Sephiroth for an hour! And then force feed chocolate cherries to Rufus with your lips! Signed chica wowow_

Tifa: WHAT IN MINERVA'S NAME!? WHY ARE PEOPLE SO OBSESSED WITH MAKING ME KISS THOSE DAMN IDIOTS!?

Cloud: They made me kiss Sephiroth. And Zack.

Genesis: Just kiss the idiots. So we can move on.

Tifa: *walks over to Sephiroth, kicks him in the groin*

Sephiroth: *grunts and falls over*

**Kunsel: That wasn't the dare…**

Tifa: Do I have to?

Kay: Yes!

Tifa: *Growls, begins kissing Sephiroth*

Sephiroth: *suddenly pushes her away* SHE PULLED MY HAIR!

Rufus: You sound like a five year old girl scout.

Kunsel: I think…we should move on to the next dare. BRING OUT THE CHOCOLATE CHERRIES!

Tifa: SERIOUSLY!

Rufus:…ugh.

*midget runs onto stage, carrying box of chocolate covered cherries*

Tifa: *smirks evilly, takes a cherry and shoves it into Rufus's hair*

Rufus: AUGH! TSENG!

Kay: TSENG DON'T MOVE!

**Kunsel: NEXT DARE TIME! This one is to Elena!**

Dare: Um...this is to Elena! Give Tseng a lap dance! Signed, fairy godmother.

Reno: OH YEAH NOW IT'S A PARTY YO!

Genesis: TURN ON THE MUSIC!

Elena: WHAT!? NO WAY! KAY DO SOMETHING!

Kay: *laughing and clapping*

Rufus: Music on!

Tseng: Sir…

Elena: *passes out from embarrassment*

Aerith: *runs over to Elena* Are you alright?

Elena: *still unconscious*

**Kunsel:…We will have to come back to that later. Our next dare is to Rufus Shinra!**

_Dare: I dare Rufus to give Yuffie a piggy back ride around the room! Signed, lapaxlove_.

Yuffie: I LOVE THIS DARE!

Rufus:…I can do that. *pulls Yuffie onto his back, runs her around the room*

Yuffie: Faster pony faster!

Rufus: I will drop you.

Yuffie: *pulls Rufus's hair* Giddy up!

Rufus: *drops Yuffie onto the floor*

Yuffie: MEANIE!

Rufus: *sits back down, goes to drink coffee* WHERE THE HELL IS MY COFFEE!?

Tseng: You drank it all sir.

**Kunsel: NEW DARE TIME! This one is to Vincent Valentine.**

_Dare: I want to dare Vincent, my boy to suck Tifa's blood from the neck And prove you're a vampy! Signed, square enix._

Vincent: I am not, nor have I ever been, a vampire.

Tifa: Why suck my blood!?

Rufus: SOMEONE GO GET ME SOME COFFEE!

Genesis: SHUT UP YOU SPOILED BRAT!

**Kunsel: Next dare is to our favorite chocobo haired buddy, Cloud!**

Cloud: Oh no….

_Dare: I dare you to kiss everyone in the room, except Hojo because that's just disgusting and I won't want to put you through that. Then, I want everyone to give a comment on how good a kisser Cloud was. Signed Uchiha Riddle_

Cloud: Why me….why?

Rufus: JUST DO IT YOU LITTLE SHIT!

Angeal: Can somebody please get him some coffee?

Cloud: *whimpers*

*Several kisses later*

**Kunsel: Comment time! On a scale of 1-10 I give him a…7.**

Reno: 6 yo.

Zack: 20!

Genesis:…8.

Sephiroth: 5

Tifa: 8

Yuffie: He tasted like chocolate…so I give him a 10!

Tseng:…6

Vincent: 7

Rude:….6

Cissnei: 8

Aerith: 5

Angeal: 7

Lazard: 8

Elena: *still unconscious*

Weiss: 7

Nero: 4

Genesis: You only say that because he is not your precious "brother"

Nero: May I kill him?

Kay: NO KILLING ON SET!

Rosso: 6

Azul: 4

Shelke: 6

Kadaj: 10!

Rufus: 3 NOW WHERE IS MY FUCKING COFFEE!

Yuffie: Kadaj has a crush on Cloud!

Kadaj: SHUT UP YOU ANNOYING WORM!

Loz: 8….

Yazoo: 6.

Cloud: *drinking mouth wash*

**Kunsel: OUR NEXT DARE GOES TO SEPHIROTH!**

_Dare: I dare you to...cut your hair. Like an inch. (I think the other fangirls would kill me if I made you shave it all off). Signed, WolfGirl129._

Sephiroth: By other fangirls, do you mean Genesis?

Genesis: I am not your "fangirl"!

Sephiroth: I have been in your apartment, Genesis. I have seen the posters on your walls.

Genesis: JUST DO THE DARE!

Sephiroth: So that you may keep it?

Kay: Sephiroth cut your hair already.

Sephiroth: *crosses arms* no.

Genesis: We have to do this the hard way then…GET HIM!

*Genesis, Zack, Yuffie, and Reno lunge at Sephiroth. They pin him to the ground*

Sephiroth: LET ME UP YOU INFERIOR PEONS!

*Snip snip*

Genesis: DONE! *holds up cut hair*

**Kunsel:…We are going to move on before the General starts killing people. Because these two dare are…similar they will be delivered together. These are addressed to Genesis and Zack!**

_Dares: To Genesis: I dare you to go a whole 24 hours without reciting Loveless_

_To Zack: I dare you to go a whole day without talking. And I mean it. Not a peep, puppy. Signed, WolfGirl129._

Genesis: I can do that easily!

Zack: *nods vigorously*

**Kunsel:…we'll let you know the result on the next episode. And now for our final dare of the show! This is to Rufus Shinra!**

_Dare: Well, you're violent enough without coffee so let's see how you do with this. I dare you to tell everyone your deepest, darkest secret that not even Tseng knows about.-signed WolfGirl129_

Rufus:….I don't have to answer thKay: YES YOU DO RUFUS!

Rufus:….I sometimes draw a face and put a hat on my…male part…and talk to little Rufus.

**Kunsel:….right. Well that concludes this episode of Cirque De-**

*midget runs back onto stage, hands note to Rufus, Kunsel, and Kay.*

Rufus: GODS DAMN IT!

Kay: I am not paying for that.

**Kunsel: It appears our interns have rebelled and begun smashing all coffee pots in the Shinra Tower.**

Rufus:*throwing coffee mugs around the room* I WILL KILL THEM!

Sephiroth: Please don't. Good interns are so difficult to find.

**Kunsel: *dodges coffee mug* This is the end of this episode of Cirque De Shinra! Join us next time!**

**Author's Note: Well, this was rather lengthy. Anyhow, the next episode is going to focus solely on the various "pairings." And the characters feelings on them. Send in some questions to the members of your favorite pairings! Sincerely, Kay.**


	7. Chapter 7

** Kunsel: Hello everyone! And welcome to another episode of Cirque De Shinra! Due to technical difficulties we were off the air longer then expected, but we're back now!**

Kay: Just thought I would issue a warning, Sephiroth has just received his mako shot. So he's a bit…unstable.

Genesis: HE GRABBED MY ASS BACKSTAGE AND ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO SEE HIS "Masamune"!

Rufus: For the love of Gaia will somebody shut him up! It's too early for this!

Cloud: But it's 1:00 in the afternoon…

Zack: *clamps hand over Cloud's mouth*

**Kunsel: Yes, Zack is still attempting the dare from the previous episode. Genesis failed about an hour after the show. He started insulting Sephiroth with Loveless quotes.**

Genesis: There is no hate, only joy. For you are be-

Rufus: Finish that sentence and I will shove my shotgun up your ass and start shooting.

** Kunsel: As you all know, this show is focused solely on pairings. So for those of you who sent in dares, I apologize but we will not be using them today. BUT! Kay has assured me that will not be the last dare episode. So those dares have been filed away for later. OK! Time for our first pairing question. This one is addressed to all of us.**

_ Question: I'm not sure if this counts, but I'm curious. What are your opinions on OC pairings? When fans pair you with their original pairings or themselves with you? Signed, DreamerJ_

Genesis: I assume you have heard of the Red Leather fan club? They all believe they belong with me. I simply choose to ignore them. It is the same with OC pairings.

Angeal: The same is true for myself. I choose simply not to respond.

Lazard: If you respond it only encourages them.

Cloud: They always make me look like I belong in therapy…

Kay: *sticks earplugs on Cloud* He has no idea about the whole Sephiroth going crazy and all of that. So he has no clue what he was like in Advent Children. Though wouldn't that make for an excellent episode….future characters meet their past selves?

**Kunsel: Kay, we are in the middle of the show.**

Kay: I know. Carry on. *pulls earplugs off of Cloud*

Cloud: What happened?

Reno: Well, you see there was this time when Sephiroth went c-

*baseball hits Reno in the groin*

Kay: SHUT IT RENO!

Reno: *on the floor, clutching his privates*

Rufus: OC pairings are just like stalkers…they are unnecessary and deserve to be killed.

Weiss: What is wrong with the dear Vice President today?

Tseng: The coffee pots…his father will not let him replace them.

**Kunsel: Well, I hoped that answered your question. Our next question is to Tifa, Rufus, and….Sephiroth.**

Elena: Oh dear Gaia…

Reno: Where is the silver head anyway yo?

Cloud: *screams and jumps out of chair*

Sephiroth: *crawls out from beneath Cloud's chair* MWHAHAHAHA! I AM THE SNEAKEST SOLDIER ON ALL OF GAIA!

**Kunsel: I'm pretty sure I hold that title.**

Kay: SEPHIROTH GET IN YOUR CHAIR AND ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS! *drags Sephiroth to chair* It's like dealing with a five year old.

_ Question: What are your responses to the Rufus/Tifa pairing and the Sephiroth/Tifa pairing? Set aside their psychotic and or sadistic tendency, not to mention almost destroying the whole planet, who do you think makes a better partner if you must choose Tifa and why? And do you think she makes a good pairing with you two respectively? Signed, chica wowow_

Tifa: Seriously? Well, considering Sephiroth burnt my hometown to the ground and killed my father, not to mention destroyed Cloud's life-

Sephiroth: I DID NOT! That was before! I'm good now!

Cloud: Uh, what are they talking about?

Zack: *pats Cloud's head*

Genesis: The idiot General doesn't even realize he's talking to a lamp does he?

Weiss: Probably not.

Tifa: and the fact that Rufus was just as much to blame for most of our problems I would rather jump into a pit of acid.

Rufus: Well, maybe if you hadn't run around blowing up mako reactors I wouldn't have had to do what I did. Do you realize how many people you killed when you blew up those reactors? And how many more had to go without power? Not to mention the first time we met you KILLED MY DOG!

Tifa: We are heroes!

Rufus: You're assholes.

**Kunsel: *sigh* Next question is to Vincent Valentine!**

_ Question: Do you think it is a possibility that you/Tifa can be a loving pairing? I think you guys look good together! And what is your comment on the you/Yuffie pairing?_

Vincent: Tifa and I are good friends, my heart belongs to Lucrecia.

Genesis: He's going to start up with the angst isn't he?

Kay: SHUT UP GENESIS! Carry on Vincent.

Vincent: As being…paired…with Yuffie, it is unthinkable. For many reasons. One, I much older then she. Two, her personality is far too….Yuffie for us to be romantically involved.

Reno: Meaning you think she would steal your materia during sex yo.

**Kunsel: And here is our next ques-well this more like a shout out.**

_Shout out: Kunsel and Kay you guys are awesome for making this show, signed Guest._

Kay: I'm glad someone else noticed as well! You are awesome for noticing!

**Kunsel: It's completely exhausting and they argue like two year olds over a toy. But now on to our next question! This is to Zack, Cloud, and Tifa.**

_ Question: I like the idea of Cloti, but what do you guys think about adding Zack in the equation? What do you think of the Zack/Cloud/Tifa threesome? Do you guys think it'll work if that was the case? You're personalities all compliment each other. Signed, Guest._

Cloud: Well, I would agree that as friends we all compliment each other, but those two *gestures to Zack and Tifa* are too dominant and possessive in their own ways to ever be able to a lover. Or share anything for that matter. So, I think it might work if it was just one or the other, but both of them? Not a chance.

Zack: Spikey would choose me!

Tifa: I'm his childhood friend! Of course he'll choose me!

Kay: I have to do this. I don't ship Cloti, I ship Rude/Tifa.

*awkward silence*

Rude:….*blush*

Reno: And apparently so does Rude yo.

Genesis: ZACK JUST FAILED THE DARE!

Zack:…damn.

**Kunsel:…well. The next question goes to Rufus, Elena, and Tseng.**

_Question: I've seen some Rufus/Elena/Tseng too, quite unusual but interesting. Elena do you like the idea of dating both of your bosses? How do Tseng and Rufus think of Elena as a potential partner? Signed, Guest._

Rufus: Elena looks like myself when I was younger, it would be extremely awkw- DAMN IT SEPHIROTH GET AWAY FROM ME!

Sephiroth: I smell like a skittle. Smell me!

Lazard: Hojo stop giving him mako shots before the show.

Loz: Kadaj what's wrong with big brother Sephiroth?

Kadaj:…I'm not sure.

Elena: I don't think I would ever date Vice President Shinra.

Yuffie: What about Tseng!

Elena: Well…um…he…he's my boss….I um….Next question time!

Kay: NOPE! Answer Elena!

Elena: I….would not be completely against it.

Tseng:….Elena is a very intelligent woman. She would be…*clears throat* Next question please.

Cissnei: Come on Tseng! Answer!

Tseng: *slight blush* I would not be completely against it.

** Kunsel:…we actually got someone to answer a question? That's a new record! Our next question goes to Aerith and Rufus!**

_Question: if you guys were a couple what would be a perfect date for you guys? Where will you go and do what? Signed, xo._

Aerith: Well, I'm…not too sure actually. I think maybe I would take him to the forgotten city. The stars are the most beautiful out there.

Rufus: The Plate. They have the best restaurants in all of Gaia.

Genesis: I give this relationship a month.

**Kunsel: Our next question goes to Cid Highwind.**

_ Question: By the way Cid, yes I am one of Shera's friends. So marry the woman already. Signed, Nikita._

Cid: DAMN IT SHERA! Tell 'er friends ta stop harassin' me while I'm workin'!

Genesis: Since when do you do anything besides scream at people?

**Kunsel: NEXT QUESTION TIME! This one is addressed to Zack Fair.**

Zack Fair: BRING IT ON!

_Question: Cloud or Aerith? Signed, Nikita._

Zack: Aerith is like a little sister to me. Cloud is my little chocobo!

Cloud: *blushes* Um…well…

Aerith: I walked in on them sharing some "private time" once.

Cloud: AERITH!

Sephiroth: I want a chocobo! *goes to grab Cloud*

Zack: RAAAAARRRR *tackles Cloud and cuddles him on the carpet* MINE!

Genesis: He acts like a real puppy.

Reno: At least he doesn't mark his territory like one yo.

**Kunsel: And our next question is…I guess to all of us.**

_ Question: What does everyone think of Weiss and Nero? There's….something there. Something that creeps me out personally, but you guys might feel differently. Signed, KHGiggle._

Genesis: Oh, yes there is definitely something there.

Hojo: I was in Weiss's body; I could see some of his brother and his most _intimate_ memories. They enjoy bubble baths together very much.

Reno: I got one of their baths on video yo, 100 gil for a copy.

Nero: Brother may I kill them, please.

Weiss: A few of-

Kay: NO KILLING ON SET! NO KILLING OFF SET! NO KILLING PERIOD! Kunsel next question!

**Kunsel: Our next question goes to Rosso the Crimson.**

_Question: Do you have a crush on Vincent? Signed, KHGiggle._

Rosso: Who could blame me if I did love? I mean, he is _very_ handsome.

Cloud: You remind me of a snake.

Rosso: Thank you love, because I do **bite.**

**Kunsel: *clears throat nervously* Well…our next question is to Rufus Shinra.**

Rufus: I WANT MY GODS DAMN COFFEE! DAMN MY FATHER INTO THE FARTHEST PITS OF IFRIT'S NINE HELLS!

Kadaj: PIPE DOWN AND LISTEN TO YOUR QUESTION!

_Question: Ok Shinra, a serious question. You need a next generation and all I mean aren't you worried about what would happen if you drop the bucket? So who do you think of all the ladies here, a considerable marriage candidate? No coffee forever if no answer. Signed, sini._

Rufus:….Father? That's you isn't it? I knew it was you who kept letting those prostitutes into my penthouse!

Reno: Actually that was me yo.

Rufus: Kay I still get coffee if I don't answer don't I?

Kay: Not if we don't get the damned coffee pots fixed…Sephiroth what are you doing?

Sephiroth: *looks up from where he has his ear pressed to the carpet* I can hear the dust bunnies talking.

Kay:….Hojo if you give him another mako shot before a show I will kill you myself. Rufus answer the question.

Rufus: *grumbles* I don't know. Who would be best to have my offspring? I suppose….if I had to choose….it would be Cissnei. She is calm and tolerable. Or Aerith perhaps.

Cissnei: Thank you sir?

Aerith: I guess that's an honor sir.

Rufus: Whatever. NOW GIVE ME MY COFFEE!

Kay: *sigh* If anyone would like a character to make a guest appearance. Or they would like to make an appearance themselves, send in a coffee pot and I'll make it happen.

**Kunsel: Next question goes to Reno…RENO WAKE UP!**

Rude: *pushes Reno out of chair*

Reno: I'M UP YO!

Question: Hey Reno, whaddya think of Elena? You guys kinda look cute together, though I think she'll kick your ass before anything else. Although Tseng may be another story, what do you think of her Tseng? Signed, Guest.

Reno: She's a nice set of legs yo. But I think you might be right, she'd probably kick my ass first. Tseng….

Tseng: She is an excellent TURK.

Reno: Come on yo! ANSWER!

Tseng: Yes.

Reno: Oh you're no-wait what?

Elena: Huh?

Tseng: I would…embrace a relationship with Elena.

Zack: No way.

Genesis: Oh. My. Goddess.

**Kunsel: Well, it looks like we have a new couple! And more questions! This is addressed to Cloud!**

_ Question: Please choose from these lovely men who you would like to be in a relationship with; Sephiroth, Zack, Vincent, Genesis, Angeal, Reno, Tseng, Rufus, or Lazard. Signed, Uchiha Riddle._

Cloud: Oh w-well I…

Genesis: *slides up to Cloud* Of course you would choose me, wouldn't you?

Zack: PEDOPHILE! *grabs Cloud*

Sephiroth: TASTE THE RAINBOW! *throws different materia at people*

Reno: HE HIT ME IN THE FACE YO!

Cloud:…Zack.

**Kunsel: And now a question to Zack.**

_ Question: So, will you go out with Cloud? If no explain why. If yes, explain why and then go and make out with him. Signed, Uchiha Riddle._

Zack: OF COURSE I'LL GO OUT WITH HIM! HE IS MY LITTLE CHOCOBO! *grabs Cloud and kisses him*

Reno: ALRIGHT ELENA AND TSENG YOUR TURN!

Elena: *smacks Reno* Shut up!

**Kunsel: Now its time for our last question of the show! This one is to Red XIII!**

_Question: Dear Red Thirteen, since your species ages a lot slower then humans and Bugenhagen said you're about 14 or 15 does that mean you're about to hit puberty if you hadn't already? P.S. You're the best ff7 character ever. Signed, loganXIII._

Genesis: Excuse me? He is the best? No no no, I believe you are mistaken. **I** am the best. Ask anyone you choose.

Red:….To answer your question, no. My puberty does not occur until I reach the age of 25 in human years. The reason being my body grows and changes at a much slower rate then a human.

**Kunsel: Well. That concludes this episode of Cirque-**

*Midget runs onto stage, whispers something into Kunsel and Kay's ears*

**Kunsel: *looks at Kay***

Kay: *looks at Kunsel*

Both: *looks at Hojo*

Hojo: Is there a problem?

Kay: A tentacle monster escaped from your labs and is stealing the cadets' underwear.

Hojo: Why do you all assume every perverted tentacle being that ends up at Shinra is my doing?

Angeal: Because every tentacle monster that ends up in Shinra is your doing.

Cloud:….is it going to steal my underwear?

Genesis: Hey hey…probably.

Zack: I'LL KILL IT!

Hojo: YOU WILL DO NO SUCH THING! IT TOOK ME QUITE A WHILE TO PERFECT ITS DNA!

Cloud: *screams as a tentacle reaches into his pants* GET IT AWAY! *runs out into hall*

**Kunsel: Join us again next time here on Cirque De Shinra!**

Kay: HOJO CONTROL YOUR DAMN MONSTER!

** Author's Note: I know some questions didn't get answered, but it's because those characters are no longer here and this was not a dare episode. Also, the next episode will be a multi-episode. The characters will be switching jobs (example: Rufus's has to give up his job as Vice President and become a kindergarten teacher) So pick your favorite character and switch their jobs! Though you should check the reviews beforehand, because if a character gets more then one request I'm going with the first one. First come first served. This will be several chapters long ok? Great! Thanks for reading, Sincerely, Kay. **


	8. Chapter 8

** Kunsel: Hello everyone, Kunsel here. And before we start this episode, I would like to announce that requests for our job switches are now closed. So for those of you who already sent them in, great! We'll get to them in the upcoming episodes. **

Kay: I would like to add a little to this. I received some job switches that I found incredibly hilarious and I got to thinking….what if this actually happened? Like a fanfiction where the characters, for some reason or another, were forced to switch jobs? Then-

**Kunsel: Kay, we're in the middle of the show here.**

Kay: Shoot! You're right; I'll talk more about this idea in the author's note.

** Kunsel: Now, I realize this show is about switching jobs, but we have a few questions the cast, producer, and I have agreed we would like to answer. So, our first question goes to Rude!**

_Question: __How many pairs of sunglasses do you usually have on you? Signed, DreamerJ_

Reno: He could open an entire shop yo.

Rude: *Opens jacket, at least a hundred tiny pockets can be seen on the inside, all holding sunglasses*

Zack: I want a pair!

** Kunsel: AND our next question before Zack does something stupid. This is to Reno!**

_Question: Where/how/why did you get the tattoos under your eyes?_

Reno: Great question yo, unfortunately that is-

Kay: RENO WHERE YOU GOT YOUR TATTOOS IS NOT CLASSIFED!

Cloud: *whispers* What's wrong with Kay?

Zack: *whispers back* She read a fanfic trashing her otp.

Reno:…I grew up in the slums of Midgar yo, it's normal for kids to do what they want when they want. No adult is gonna stop to worry about a twelve year old when they could die from hunger or there's a threat of the very same kid muggin' you yo. I got 'em cause I felt like gettin' 'em.

**Kunsel: It's a tough world; anyway our next question is addressed to Yuffie!**

_Question: __Will you share one of your greatest ninja-secrets with us? Signed, DreamerJ_

Yuffie: Hmmmmm….are you worthy of one of my awesome secrets?

Cat Sith: Quit yer prattlin' and answer the bloody question!

Yuffie: Sometimes, when it's reeeaaaalllllly late at night and I reeeaaaalllly can't sleep, I go around to the others' rooms and film them when they dream. Reno sleep talks a lot.

** Kunsel:….**_**that's**_** why my vent is always open! Our next question goes to Red XIII!**

_Question: What is with the flame on your tail? Signed, DreamerJ_

Red: *swishes tail around* There's a flame on it?

All: *stares*

Red: Why are you staring at me?

Reeve: It's just….how do you not realize there is a flame on your tail.

Red: I never looked.

Genesis: I am surrounded by morons.

** Kunsel: *sigh* I agree. Our next question is to…Vincent!**

_ Question: Next time you try and kill Hojo, may I please assist you? I have a__  
__lovely set of knives that have yet to stab something. Signed, DreamerJ_

Vincent: I believe that would be violating my contract…

Kay: DAMN RIGHT IT WOULD! I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE TO BRING HIM BACK AGAIN!

Zack: Kay gets violent when she has to bring one of us back after we do something stupid. Yesterday she had to bring Genesis back because he annoyed Sephy so much he stabbed him through with Masamune.

Genesis: It was…almost worth it. The General's hair would've looked fabulous as a nice fuchsia.

** Kunsel: Before Genesis gets himself killed again, lets move on to the next question. This is addressed to Cloud Strife!**

_Question: After giving up the Buster Sword, where did you get your new set of__  
__swords? Oh wait. He doesn't know about Advent Children yet...ah well, let's__  
__confuse him! Signed DreamerJ_  
Cloud:…huh? I never had the Buster Sword, Commander Hewley always has. And besides, if he was going to give it anyone it would probably be Zack.

Reno: Outta curiosity, why do you think Genesis, Sephiroth, and Angeal were dead in the first place yo?

Cloud: Kay said everyone she brought back was killed in battle or assassinated.

Tifa:*glares* Liar.

Kay: That all was technically true. Because they were all killed in battle if you think about it.

**Kunsel: I am moving on now. This question is addressed to our General Sephiroth!**

_ Question: __Where the heck is Masamune when you're not using it? Or do you just__  
__have to carry it around all the time? Signed, DreamerJ_

Sephiroth: Do you wear your socks all of the time? However, most of the time I do carry her; not because I have to, but because I want to. She is like my good luck charm.

Genesis: He has sexualized his sword ladies and gentlemen.

Sephiroth: I've done no such thing.

Reno: You might as well have yo.

**Kunsel: So help me Odin I will end up killing one of them…Our next question is to Genesis Rhapsodos!**

_ Question: I'm honestly interested in learning what Loveless is about. Could you__  
__give the briefest summary you can? Signed, DreamerJ_

Genesis: *leaps from his seat in joy* I would be delighted to!

Zack: WHY!? *falls to the ground*

Angeal: *sighs*

Rufus: Gods damn it now some idiot had to go and get him started.

Reno: *pulling out flask*

Genesis: Loveless, my little dove, is telling of how at world's end, the Goddess will descend from the sky saving all who believe. It also tells of her Hero, that has been sent to guide us all throughout this life. And then, when the time has come, the Hero will give himself willingly over to be slaughtered on our behalf. But he returns and fulfills the promises made by the Goddess.

Kay: Honestly I have actually read the entire poem (really I have) and to me it appears to be the equivalent to any other religion. There is a prophesized savior of the world, the Hero, and the Goddess who seems to be the supreme deity. When I read it, the religion it seems the closest related to would be Christianity. The Hero, who would play the role as Christ, would be sent to the planet to be sacrificed for the good of the world only to "resurrect" I guess and when the world ends the Goddess, playing the role as God, would come down and save all of her believers. It's really just a bible summed up in 5 verses. I'll post the actual poem as a separate story if you want to read it for yourself. Just message me and let me know.

** Kunsel:….well I'm confused. But on to our next question! This is addressed to Zack Fair!**

_Question: We all know Cloud's story of getting into SOLDIER. What's yours? Signed, DreamerJ_

Cloud:….how do they know my story?

Zack: Hehe, well uh, you're a celebrity now Cloud so they probably just stalk you or something.

Rufus: Because that is so much more comforting then the truth.

Barrett: YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE TRUTH IS FOOL!

Zack: I'm from Gongaga, as you all probably know, so there isn't too much from the outside world that is able to make its way in. But once when I was a kid, I remember hearing a story from one of the travelers passing through the town. The story was about an organization named SOLDIER and how it was full of heroes. He talked about how they travelled all over Gaia saving people. I had always wanted to leave my hometown to explore the world, but I also wanted to make a difference. To actually do something with my life. When I heard the story of SOLDIER I knew that was where I was headed no matter what.

**Kunsel: That sounds like you Zack. Our next question is to any SOLDIER.**

_ Question: How exactly do you get a Mako injection? Is it like a shot or__  
__what? Signed, DreamerJ_

Angeal: Yes, it is a shot of sorts.

Zack: A painful shot.

Genesis: A mako injection really only begins with a shot.

Sephiroth: Once you receive it, no matter how many you have received over the course of your life, you will begin to experience symptoms.

**Kunsel: You get queasy, and hallucinate. Your temperature raises and your break out in a sweat.**

Zack: Also, you get massive cravings.

Angeal: You have to spend an hour at least in the labs to allow the symptoms to wear off.

Genesis: During that hour they keep track of your vital signs and give you physical exams.

Sephiroth: That is a mako injection in a nut shell.

Kunsel: And our last question goes to all of us.

Question: _After watching Advent Children, I've noticed how easy it is for many__  
__of you to jump insanely high and remain in the air for extended amounts of__  
__time. In our world, most people can only jump about a foot high for a second.__  
__How would you feel if your world suddenly had our laws of gravity? Signed, DreamerJ_

Genesis: It wouldn't really matter to me, because I have a wing.

Reno: I would make one o' those SOLDIER boys cast death on me and just end it all yo.

Angeal: A big factor as to why we jump as high as we do is the mako in our systems and in our planet.

Lazard: Indeed. If the mako was not coursing through the Lifestream it would make our world abide by the same gravitational laws as Kay's and yourself's.

**Kunsel: Now….I am going to reveal the jobs for the next episode of Cirque De Shinra. These jobs will switch again after the next episode so don't fret.**

** Red XIII president of Shinra**

** Genesis prostitute.**

** Angeal should be a gardener**

** Yuffie has to be a security guard.**

** Vincent has to be Santa Claus.**

** Hojo has to be a farmer.**

** Zack has to be a librarian.**

** Azul has to be a chef**

** Rufus as avalanche's new pet or servant**

** Reno to be a priest**

** Tseng to be a princess**

** Elena a knight in shining armor**

** Lazard is a pimp**

** Cloud is Vice President**

** Sephiroth hair dresser**

** Tifa a SOLDIER**

** Aerith a TURK**

** Rude a pornstar**

** Barrett a waiter**

** Cid a rapper**

** Weiss a doctor**

** Nero a mascot**

** Kadaj a ballerina**

** Yazoo a dog groomer**

** Loz a therapist**

** Rosso a lion tamer**

Kay: Join us on the next episode!

**Author's Note: CLIFF HANGER! Also for future reference, I know how fun it is to send in requests for your favorite characters but don't forget about the rest of them (like I sometimes do) and the next few chapters will not be written in the conversational form, instead they will be written like a normal fanfic because honestly it wouldn't be as funny if you couldn't see how their work day was going. And I have decided that I will try to take on that fanfic idea I had earlier in this chapter. They all have to switch jobs for some reason or another and things get crazy from there. I'm even going to make them live together! Well, thanks for reading. Oh, and for those of you following my other two stories I will have updates for them sometime this week! Sincerely, Kay.**


	9. Chapter 9

Kunsel sighed as he walked towards the set of Cirque De Shinra, rubbing his temples. This was the day of the job switch and he was not looking forward to listening to all of the cast members complaining. At the very least Kay would have to suffer with him, that was a small form of retribution.

Holding his coffee mug, the elusive SOLDIER entered the security code and pushed the steel door open revealing the darkened set. Kunsel laughed when he saw the condition of the set. It was almost completely destroyed, stuffing was coming out of the chairs, the tables were all cracked, but his humor came to an end when he saw the coffee machine destroyed. Unbeknownst to the fans, Rufus wasn't the only caffeine addict on the show. Sephiroth was practically unbearable without his three cups of coffee, and don't even get him started on Hojo and Angeal….Most wouldn't believe how easily the normally calm Commander flew of the handle without his cup of sweet black caffeine.

"Goooood Moring Kunsel. Beautiful day isn't it?" Kay strolled out from behind one of the fake walls, twirling a key chain as she came. She was smiling as though her show's entire set didn't look like it was attacked by a pack of wild dogs….or mako drugged SOLDIERs, both could cause this amount of damage easily.

"Uh, Kay?"

"Yes Kunsel?"

Clearing his throat, Kunsel gestured to the set. Kay's eyes followed his arm, and once it clicked as to what he was referring to, Kay's smile grew even larger (if that was even possible).

"Ahhhh, how perceptive you are Kun! Yes, the set is in utter destructive ruins. I am running a little experiment. We both know what's going to happen now that they have to switch jobs, so I figured that if the set was already destroyed they wouldn't have anything to take their rabid anger out on." Kay smiled, placing a hand on her hip as she sipped her own coffee.

"But," Kunsel began, "Wouldn't that mean the only things they would have to take their anger out on would be each other? Or us?" Kay frowned instantly.

"I didn't think of that," Kay shrugged, "Oh well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it then."

Kunsel just gaped at the girl. In that moment he couldn't decided who was crazier, Hojo or the girl humming something that sounded strangely like **Last Friday Night**….

Rufus growled as he dressed for the day. How dare they!? How dare they make him work for those disgusting animals named Avalanche!? Kay was going to get an earful, that was for sure.

"Sir, I…do not believe it will that bad. It can not be as bad as being a….princess, sir." Tseng said, his voice void of emotion as always. Rufus inwardly considered his TURK's words. It was probably true. Tseng could possibly be correct. He, at least, didn't have to wear a dress. Then again, Avalanche could very well turn him into a drag queen if they wanted.

"Whatever. Why did we agree to this show Tseng?" Rufus said foully, slamming the door to his penthouse apartment as he did.

"Kay has backed Shinra with funding. And she assisted us in our rise back to the top." Sometimes, Rufus really wanted to slap Tseng. It wasn't normal for a man to always be right.

The ride to the new Shinra Tower was relatively short, and Rufus was itching to get his coffee. He still felt half dead as he exited the car and slumped towards the door. After blindly punching numbers into the key pad for twenty minutes, snapping at Tseng whenever he attempted to help, the vice president finally resorted to kicking the door and shouting at Kay and Kunsel to let him in.

"Good morning Rufus! Good morning Tseng!" Kay earned a growl from the former and a polite nod from the latter. Kay just smiled, following behind the duo as they made their way further onto the set.

"That's what I like about you two, you're always here early." Kay said, attempting to make casual conversation. Rufus just grunted while Tseng nodded in acknowledgment.

"So, have you heard about that new thing they're building in Wutai? It's supposed to be something similar to the Shinra Tower. I think it will be-" Kay was cut short, as she ran into Rufus's very stilled backside.

"Hey Rufus? What's the matter?" Kay asked, circling around to look Rufus in the eye. Tseng also stopped and traced his boss's line of vision to the busted coffee machine. Kay also followed the blonde haired man's line of vision, and smiled when she saw what the man was looking at.

"Oh, yeah. I didn't want you guys too hyper when the job switches took place." A long flow of silence followed afterwards. The tension in the air was so thick; you could have sliced through it with a butter knife. Rufus stood there, left eye twitching slightly.

"I. WILL. KILL. YOU!" Rufus roared, drawing his shotgun only to be stopped as Kay tackled him to the ground.

"Oh hush Rufus," Kay said from where she had the twenty year old pinned to the ground, "It'll be good for you to go a day without coffee. Now, would you two mind helping me lay out all of the uniforms for everyone's new jobs?"

Sephiroth was in a downright horrible mood as he made his way onto the set. Not only had he woken late, but his hair dryer refused to cooperate so his silver silk was a frizzy mess. And, to top it all off, he had to start a ridiculous new job today. Hair dresser? How in Ifrit's nine hells was he, the General of an army, supposed to know how to style hair. The only hair he had ever touched was his own.

"Good morning Sephiroth!" Kay's voice shook him out of his thoughts. He looked at the smiling girl with undisguised venom. The girl was far too cheery today and he was in far too foul a mood.

"Hey, don't be like that," The girl said, as if reading his mind, "It won't be as bad as you think. You have one of the better jobs. You could've ended up as a prostitute, like Genesis. Who has already arrived by the way." Sephiroth almost snorted. He was used to the girl by now. Kunsel stood nearby, holding a coffee mug and appeared to be observing the two of them. Then again, one could never tell, considering the helmet was always in place on his head.

"Your new uniform is in your dressing room. When everyone has changed, we'll all meet in the center room." Kunsel said, sipping the liquid in the mug. Sephiroth grunted and walked to his dressing room.

Genesis stood there, staring at himself in the full length mirror.

"For you are beloved by the Goddess…" He quoted dreamily, staring at his own image for far longer then necessary. Sighing, the Crimson Commander turned to face the white box that had been placed on his grooming table.

He shouldn't have to be doing this, he was Genesis Rhapsodos by the Goddess! And with such a degrading job. Genesis made a sound of disgust as he pulled the lid off of the dreaded thing.

His wail of outrage echoed through every room in the Shinra Tower.

Cloud nearly fell out of his seat at the horrifying sound. It sounded like someone was being brutally murdered. Maybe he should….

No, Kay and Kunsel said to wait in the dressing room. The blonde cadet was only grateful that his new job was in no way degrading or perverted. Vice President, how lucky could he get?

Sitting in the new suit that had been lain out for him, the young blonde waited patiently for the show's producer and host to come and get him. Not knowing the whirlwind of trouble and insanity that awaited him and his cast members.

** Author's Note: You guys can still send in questions! They just won't be answered until this little escapade is over. As I said, the conversational format won't be used for these chapters. Also, I was wondering if any of you would be interested in occasionally seeing what goes on behind the scenes of Cirque De Shinra. This kind of gives you a glimpse, but not much. Anyway, thanks for reading and tell me what you think! The next chapter will definitely get into them actually starting their jobs. Sincerely, Kay.**


	10. Chapter 10

Zack wriggled in the cushioned chair situated in front of the large mirror. The uncomfortable button down shirt clung too closely to his body and the itchy sweater vest he was forced to wear over it made the Second Class make small whines every few moments.

How was he supposed to spend the next two weeks sitting in a room filled with nothing but stupid books all day? How do you even be a librarian? Zack whined loudly, beginning to bounce aggressively as his nerves began to consume his senses.

A peppy knocking snapped Zack out of his agitated daze.

"Hey, we're ready to talk to you all!" Kay's head popped into his dressing room as the words spurred him into action.

"Finally!" Zack said as he charged forward and out into the hall. Kay must have already moved to another room because by the time the young SOLDIER stepped out of the door, the girl was gone.

The Second Class bounded down the hall and into the center set of Cirque De Shinra. Once he reached the mangled set, his eyes landed upon his little chocobo haired buddy dressed in his new black suit.

"CLOUD! You look so adorable!" Squishing the boy against his chest, Zack continued to fuss over the small blonde.

"Would ya shut yer trap! It's too early fer this!" Zack almost fell over as his sapphire eyes settled on the airship pilot. His usual attire had been traded in for a large gold chain with a sideways baseball cap, along with a pair of jeans that were barely kept on his hips and a tattered white wife beater.

"You look like you're about to mug someone." A certain blonde snorted as he strutted into the room.

"Hey Rufus! So, uh, are you supposed to be a biker or something?" Zack asked, still holding Cloud against his chest despite the little blonde's protest. Rufus tugged at the black leather vest zipped completely up his chest.

"NO YOU MORON! I am being forced to work for _Avalanche._" The young man gritted out the last word through clenched teeth.

"It can't be any worse then being a priest yo!" Reno's voice wrung out through the area. The redhead had traded his navy suit in for a set of white robes and a rather large wooden staff.

"All of you shut up! Nothing is worse then being forced to work for Shinra!" Tifa's voice sounded pinched and annoyed as she slumped into the room.

"It won't be that bad Tifa." Cloud's voice was muffled by Zack's chest, the Second Class refusing to release the younger boy.

"Oh get a room you two…" Tifa teased, watching Zack hold the cadet tighter against his chest.

Minutes passed as the rest of the cast slowly made their ways into the room.

"Ok, the only person we're missing is Genesis." Kunsel's voice sounded from the center of the room. After a moment of everyone looking around and Zack calling out to auburn haired male, all eyes returned to the two responsible for this entire charade.

"Don't look at me, I didn't pick the jobs." Kunsel held his hands up in a surrendering gesture. The elusive SOLDIER turned his attention towards the younger girl sitting in one of the many destroyed chairs. The girl sat there, fiddling with what looked like a calculator.

"What are you doing yo?" Reno questioned, straining to see what the girl was messing up now.

"I'm programming all of your cell phones!"

"Our phones are programmed." Vincent's monotone voice rose from the back of the room.

"I _tweaked_ some things. This will make your jobs easier. Or more difficult. One of those. I'll go get Genesis." With that final remark, the girl jogged out of the room and down the hall.

A moment of silence followed, broken by the Tsviet leader, "I say we all rise against her before she does significant damage."

"I concur with that." Hojo said, shifting to adjust his jean overalls and straw hat.

Nanaki spoke from where he lay on the carpet, "You all only feel this way because she is making you do something different."

"Shuddap ya got no room to say anything today yo. You got a good job" Reno grumbled, pulling a silver flask out of his robe and twisting the cap off. Just as the fiery haired male put the top to his lips, a small book flew through the air and smacked the redhead in the head.

"YOU'RE A PREIST YOU CAN'T DRINK!" All eyes turned to face the girl who had thrown said book, as well as the SOLDIER Commander she drug behind her. Jaws dropped as the Crimson Commander was pulled into the room and situated in an open chair.

Genesis wore fishnet stockings with a leather mini skirt, his black and scarlet corset top hugged uncomfortably to his chest. His elbow length fingerless gloves seemed to constrict his arms movements and his black chocker necklace rubbed aggravatingly against his Adam's apple.

"Now that everyone is here we can start!" Kay clapped her hands before plopping into her chair next to Kunsel. However, all eyes remained fixed on the fuming Commander who sat with arms crossed, cerulean eyes burning with rage, and cheeks flushed from anger and embarrassment.

"You look like such a bitch!" Rufus howled with laughter, joined by Reno and Kadaj.

"Look who's talking _slave_." Genesis sneered, gesturing to the collar fastened around the blonde's neck.

"EVERYONE SHUT UP AND LISTEN!" Kay shouted, jumping up and stomping her foot. The voices died down and all eyes turned to the brunette just as she fell back into the chair.

"They're all yours Kun!" Kay smiled at the SOLDIER as he stood up and began to address the group,

"Basically the rules are you get fired or you kill or injure any of your clients you are subjected to whatever punishments the viewers and Kay come up with. And you don't get paid for the time you already invested."

"Wait wait wait! We are missing people! What about Cissnei!? And Scarlet! And Reeve and Cat Sith!" Elena asked, the metal of her armor clinking as she moved.

"Well, we needed assistance soooo, they're helping us! Time to start your jobs, under your seats is a list of locations and times concerning said jobs!" Kay grabbed Kunsel by his arm and pulled him out of the room.

None moved for the longest time. Zack watched everyone take on various facial expressions, from exhausted all the way to enraged.

"If you're late you lose pay!" Kay's voice said over the intercom.

"Shuddap! We're moving yo!" Reno snapped before gradually pulling himself out of the chair, followed by everyone else.

Zack groaned, and reached under his chair. Huh. That's lucky; he didn't even have to leave the Shinra Tower. He was going to be working in Shinra's Archives!

"I HATE THIS!" Rufus shouted, kicking the coffee table. The glass flew across the room to smash against the opposite wall.

"I HATE THESE PANTS TOO!" Rufus added, twisting this way and that so the leather would adjust properly.

Zack turned to Angeal, who for the most part of the morning hadn't spoken. He was dressed in casual clothing, a t-shirt and jeans, with a pair of gloves and baseball cap.

"Where do you have to work Angeal? I have to stay here, in the Shinra Archives. So I guess it's better then being forced to sit in some other stuffy library all day. And Cloud's gonna work here too! And Areith and Nanaki and Tifa! I have no idea where Sephiroth or Genesis or Lazard will be working, I feel kinda bad for them." Zack's face contorted into a sad pout.

"I am not sure where they are working either, but my briefing sheet says I work here as well."

"What?"

"Apparently Shinra has opened a flower shop on its lower level."

"That would be mine." Aerith said as she joined the two men. Zack would never get used to the sweet girl he knew wearing a TURK uniform.

"I will take good care of it Miss Gainsbourough, I give you my word." Angeal said, offering a warm smile to the girl.

"I know you will Angeal, it's not you I'm worried about." Her emerald eyes fluttered over to a certain Crimson Commander as he snarled at Rufus Shinra.

"I will make sure Genesis behaves himself in your store, don't worry." The girl smiled in relief at Angeal's words, while Zack took on a look of disbelief.

As Aerith moved to talk to a fuming Tifa, Zack addressed his mentor.

"But Angeal, Genesis is….Genesis."

Angeal sighed before nodding and moving through the crowd to intervene in the impending fight that Genesis seemed to be at the center of.

"Time to start your jobs!" Kunsel's voice rung through the room from the intercom.

Groans arose from its inhabitants as they all made their ways towards an exit.

_"Game on"_ Zack thought as he pushed his way outside.

Yazoo had opted to remain quiet most of the morning, not due to any nervousness or anger, just simply because he had no idea what he was supposed to be doing. a dog groomer? How was he supposed to know anything about dogs or how to _groom_ them? But compared to some of the other jobs, Yazoo counted himself as fortunate.

Walking down the bustling roads of the Plate, Yazoo watched the people. Just as ignorant as they had been the first time. Now, this dog grooming store should be right around…..there.

A large chrome building stood out like a sore thumb amongst the crowded city, its large pink sign with frilly ribbons and what appeared to be a poodle plastered on the front caused Yazoo's stomach to twist in a painful sort of way. _This_ was where he was working? The middle remnant growled, he was going to have a word with Kay.

Pushing the door open, Yazoo stepped over the threshold into his own nightmare. Women were prattling on about their dog and her dog and these celebrities and their nails….Yazoo's hand twitch over Velvet Nightmare.

"You must be the new guy, my name's Candy." A red-haired girl with too many freckles stepped into Yazoo's line of vision.

"Yes." Yazoo had to force the answer out through clenched teeth. The chomping of the girl's gum was beginning to anger him beyond comprehension.

"Well, basically all you gotta do is whatever the customer asks for. This is your station. Got it?" The girl had led him to an empty table situated next to a bath tub. Was she insulting him? Of course he understood something as simple as that.

"I believe I can _manage_." Yazoo put as much venom into the words as possible. The girl seemed to get the message as the color drained from her face and she promptly swallowed her gum.

"I-If you n-need anything I-I'm over there." The redhead swiveled on her heel and ran back through the store. Sighing, Yazoo watched as the mindless girls proceeded to preen over the disgusting mutts.

The chiming of a bell caused Yazoo's head to snap towards the door. A plump older woman was waddling through the door with a pipsqueak of a dog tucked in her arms. She made her way to the counter and spoke with _Candy_ before passing the dog over to her. A few moments later Candy was stood before him, placing the dog on his table.

"H-Here is the list of t-things she wants done." And….the girl was gone again. Yazoo almost smirked as he picked up the paper.

_Wash in lavender shampoo_

_ Trim nails with the frog trimmers_

_ Add a bow to his collar and left ear_

Yazoo blinked, were all dog owners this stupid? Did they all have some strange obsession with what kind of nail clippers were used on their slobbering mutts? Looking at the rat-like creature situated in front of him, Yazoo fought the urge to scowl.

First, he should find the _lavender_ shampoo correct? Yes. He was correct. Yazoo turned to look at the shelf behind him, resisting the urge to gasp at what he saw.

Shelves upon shelves filled were lined with different types of shampoo and scented flea scrubs….what in Ifrit's nine hells?

Yazoo's eyes scanned the shelves to find the bloody lavender shampoo. Nothing. There was not a single bottle of lavender shampoo on the 15 shelves. Growling, the silver remnant stalked toward the front counter.

"Lavender shampoo seems to be missing from my inventory _Candy_." The words sounded like a death sentence.

The girl paled further as she responded, "W-Well, you could ask Trina." She pointed to a blonde with obvious implants.

Yazoo uttered something between a sigh and a growl as he made his way towards the girl.

"Lavender shampoo, would you happen to have any?" The words held a slight sarcastic tone as they left the remnant's lips.

"Why would I give it to you?" the blonde responded, sneering at Yazoo as she soaped up the dog in front of her.

The silver brother's blood lust made a sudden appearance as the bitch seemingly dismissed him.

Velvet Nightmare was pressed against the back of her head in an instant.

"This is why."

However, rather then turning into a sniffling mess and willfully handing over the shampoo the blonde just laughed.

"Oh?" The blonde began as she turned around, "And what would Kay say if she found out you had gone and killed one of her cast members?" Yazoo could have been knocked over with a feather as he recognized the blonde before him.

"_Scarlet!?"_

**Author's Note: Hehe, poor Yazoo. Do you know why some characters were missing from the job list now? And I send a big KUDOS to KHGiggle for catching the missing characters before. As a prize of sorts, I would like to offer you a one-shot of your choice from these categories: Kingdom Hearts, Final Fantasy 7, One Piece, Devil May Cry. Also, a big THANK YOU to all of you who are being so patient with this fic. You will always get an update every weekend. So tune in next time! Sincerely, Kay.**


	11. Chapter 11

_"Damn this thing is heavy, these clothes are making me sweat like fuck, and Kay took my flask. I hate this shit I want to go back to bein' a TURK!"_ Reno's thoughts were frustrated and his aquamarine eyes bloodshot from the night before.

Reno grumbled as he walked through the slums of the newly rebuilt Midgar. The air was too stuffy and the people were all starring way too much for his comfort. The fiery redhead slumped towards the address scrawled on his paper, dragging the wooden staff as he did.

Where the hell was this place? Reno spun the directions this way and that. Ok, Reno wouldn't consider himself a genius, but he was pretty sure that "Go in the big building that looks like a noodle." Wasn't even a real direction.

There was no building that looked like a big noodle. Why would there be a building that even resembled a…..

Reno's thoughts trailed off as he gazed at a large chrome building, though the metal was dyed a bright yellow and crafted into the shape of a macaroni noodle.

"Shit….." Reno breathed out as he stared in disbelief at the building. Several thoughts flitted into the redhead's mind. The first was why would anyone make a building like this, the second was what could this damn place possibly make, and finally why in Ifrit's nine hells would they need a _priest_?

Pushing the double doors open, Reno glanced around the lobby with undisguised curiosity. Every person who walked this place's floor seemed to have a cheesy smile plastered onto their faces, no pun intended.

"You must be Reno, our priest. My name is Jester, pleasure to meet you!" A man no taller then 4'10" stood beside Reno stretching a hand up to offer it to the sniggering redhead.

"Yeah…..whatever yo." Reno drawled as he took the offered appendage. Jester began leading the redhead toward a set of elevators.

"I was so thrilled when the young girl called and told us that she had found a priest for this ceremony, why it wouldn't be possible without you!" The balding man looked at Reno with such thankful eyes the red-haired man almost laughed. This guy had no idea what he was in for.

"What is this ceremony anyway yo?" Jester's eyes went from thankful to surprised in a matter of seconds.

"I thought you had already been told!" Reno snorted at the man's tone.

"If I knew would Iya asked?" Reno watched the numbers slowly blink and change as Jester stuttered for a few moments, constantly readjusting his gold colored suit.

"Well, it's a marriage…..of sorts." Reno didn't have a chance to respond as the elevator doors slid open revealing a very bizarre sight for the redhead. Silken banners dressed were draped from the ceiling and across several of the tables. Bouquets of pale pink roses and white daffodils placed in crystal vases sat as center pieces atop pale blue table cloths. At the front of the room stood an archway decorated with several types of flowers that Reno couldn't possibly name.

"The wedding is to start soon, would you mind waiting in the front of the room please?" Jester motioned for Reno to move forward. Reno grunted as he made his way toward the front of the room.

It seemed as though hours passed as the redhead stood and waited for whatever the hell these people wanted him to do. After Reno had resorted to taking the peanuts sitting on a nearby table, using a rubber band to create a make-shift slingshot, and trying to hit as many passersby as possible, Jester reappeared once more.

"The ceremony is going to start very soon. Are you prepared?" Reno just shrugged his shoulders before saying,

"As ready as I'll ever be yo." Jester smiled brightly before gesturing at a man in the back of the room.

Music began to play as a figure in a white dress moved slowly down the isle. As the figure came to stand before Reno, the veil was lifted to reveal a person that caused the redhead to breakout in a fit of laughter.

"Oh my Gods boss man what the hell are you doin' wearing a dress!?" Before the Wutainian man could respond, however, another voice spoke from behind the redhead.

"Why marrying me of course!" Reno spun around and, as his eyes came to rest on the plump, overweight, and poorly dressed man his face contorted in disgust.

"Don Coreno!? Why in Ifrit's nine hells would you marry Tseng!?"

**Author's Note: And that is where we will stop this chapter. I received a question asking when I will start answering questions again. There will be two updates for each of the jobs so you can figure it will be at least a month. I would like to announce that the partner story to Cirque De Shinra which will show what happens backstage of the show will possibly have its first chapter published sometime this week. That story will vary between the conversational format and description format. Well, that's all for now. Thanks for reading and all of your support! Sincerely, Kay.**


	12. Chapter 12

No, Genesis was not happy. Not. At. All. He was being subjected to such a degrading and _disgusting_ job while Sephiroth and Angeal were sitting in an air conditioned building just…..ugh.

"I don't feel any better about my job, Commander." Lazard's voice roused the Crimson Commander from his spiteful thoughts.

"_You_ won't be working the streets." Genesis snarled at the blonde as they made their way down a deserted street.

"And neither will you." A voice said from deep within a shadow. Both pairs of dazzling blue eyes snapped toward the masculine voice, turning just in time to see the man taking his first steps into the light.

"Who in Ifrit's nine hells are you!?" Genesis snapped, hand glowing with the beginning of Hell's Fiagra.

"Kay sent for me. So if you have a problem, take it up with her." The stormy-haired male smirked as the words left his lips. He seemed to know that even if Genesis took his problems up with Kay, little would be done about his complaints.

"Who are you?" Lazard asked, right eyebrow arched as he regarded the man.

"Zexion. Kunsel figured you would misinterpret your jobs. Kay wanted to offer you as much assistance as she could. So here I am. You are not a prostitute in the sense that you will be soliciting you body for money through sexual favors. You will, in the simplest form, be a stripper."

Genesis's jaw clenched uncontrollably as the words sunk in. Honestly, it was better then prostitute. But a _stripper_!? Just who did Kay think she was messing with!?

"And what about myself?" Lazard asked, not sure whether to relax now that Genesis had a semi-better job or move as far away as possible for fear of the Commander's hell rage exploding.

"You will be managing the establishment."

"Well, that makes sense I suppose. Though I'm not sure how I would manage a strip club. Reno would be much better suited to this position then-"

"You said Kay sent you to help us, so just how the _fuck_ are you going to make yourself useful!?" Genesis's patience broke and he snarled in the man's face. Said man only smirked in reply.

"Whatever Kay has asked me to do."

"Which is?"

"The very important task codenamed 'None of Your Buisness'." Genesis wailed in outrage as the man started down the street. The fiery Commander rose his leg to stomp his foot in rage, causing the extremely tight and extremely short skirt to rip slightly up the side of his leg.

Lazard noticed as well and immediately began trying to placate the fuming man; Zexion noticed as well for he turned to look over his shoulder before responding.

"I hope you know how to sew leather, Kay did not give you a spare wardrobe." With that said the man began walking down the street once more. Genesis's left eye twitched in irritation and the color in Lazard's face paled dramatically.

"GODDESS DAMN YOU TO THE FIREST PIT IN IFRIT'S NINE HELLS!"

Sephiroth resisted the urge to growl as he passed gaping civilians on his way to the damned barber shop Kay had set him up to work at. The Silver General was well aware of the bet between the _redheads_ among the show. He would not be the first to kill a customer. He had more self-control then that.

Pushing through a group of squealing girls, Sephiroth looked at the address scrawled on the paper. The twenty-two year old scoffed as a young man snapped a picture of him.

Sephiroth honestly couldn't fathom why people were so obsessed with him. As Genesis so loved to point out he was "not one to enjoy the finer things of life." It was aggravating having to constantly wear a hood when he wished to leave a place in public. Not that this was something he did often.

Now, this damned building was supposed to be in the Loveless district correct. Why would a barber shop be in the….

No. This could not be right. No. No. No.

_A beauty parlor?!_ Kay was going to answer to Masamune for this. The Silver General was cracked his neck as he moved towards the teal painted door. Pushing on it, the door remained stubbornly in place. Greatly fighting the urge to scowl, Sephiroth put more pressure on the metal. Nothing. The door didn't move an inch.

Eyebrows twitching irritation, Sephiroth leaned heavily on the door. The door wouldn't budge.

Growling, Sephiroth reared back kicked the door with all of his might. The metal made a loud crinkling noise as it ripped away from the doorframe. What was left of the metal door flew backward through the store and smashed through the opposite wall.

As Sephiroth took his first steps into the salon, the smell of hairspray and cheap strawberry shampoo assaulted his senses.

One of the women managing a nearby chair turned to the Silver General with wide eyes.

"You know," She began warily, "that door was a pull door."

Sephiroth could do nothing to hide his irritation as he slashed Masamune through a nearby wall.

"Tsk Tsk Sephiroth. That is definitely coming out of your paycheck."

Sephiroth whirled around at the voice.

"…..you are-"

"Axel, got it memorized?"

**Author's Note: Oh Axel and Zexion. Two of my four favorite Organization members. They will be causing some major trouble for Sephiroth and Genesis, you can be sure of it. Well, review if you want to! Sincerely, Kay.**


	13. Chapter 13

Yuffie grumbled under her breath as she sat on the subway. She was on her way to the mall, where she would apparently be employed as a security guard.

The Wutainian ninja let out a loud whine as the overly-baggy uniform rubbed irritably against her skin.

_"I don't get it! Why do I have to be a security guard? There's nothing to do at the mall anyway! Well, at least there's nothing to do that wouldn't get me fired…" _Yuffie huffed and crossed her arms angrily. After much time passed, with the 22 year old simmering in her anger, the doors opened to the train station of downtown Edge.

However, the ninja was so occupied with her thoughts she didn't catch the announcement until it was too late.

Just as the doors were slipping closed, Yuffie made a loud "Yip" noise and dove towards the doors. Ignoring the angry "What's your problem?"s and "Get out of the way!"s, the girl dove through the doors by the skin of her teeth.

A short bus ride later, Yuffie found herself stepping over the threshold into the bustling mall.

Making her way towards the security room, Yuffie idly wondered where how everyone else was doing. And when she would get a lunch break.

As she pushed the door open, her eyes settled on a pudgy man seated behind a desk. At her entrance, the man looked up and audibly groaned.

"That's not nice Irve!"

"_You_ are the Cirque De Shinra cast member that is supposed to be working here?"

"You sound unhappy to see me!"

"Every time I do see you, you have a materia centered object stuffed in your shirt."

"…Your point is?" Yuffie grinned triumphantly at the small twitch the older man's left eye made, placing her hands on her hips.

"Since you are so accustomed to how our job works, let me just give you the basics." Yuffie nodded once so the man continued.

"If you see someone fighting, stop them. If you see someone stealing, stop them too. If you see someone who needs help, help them. Got it?"

Yuffie threw the man a playfully insulted glare, "You make it sound like I'm an idiot! Of course I get it!" And with that, Yuffie spun on her heel and left the room.

"Good Gaia are we all in for hell…" Irve said as he slumped back into his chair.

An hour.

That's how long has passed since Yuffie begun patrolling the mall. And nothing had happened. The ninja girl was so bored she had resorted to hiding in a clothes rack shouting "Pick me Pick me!" For the last twenty minutes….until the store manager threw her out.

So here she was, back to wandering the mall aimlessly without anything interesting happening. Soon, however, she came upon what appeared to be a mini golf course lit only by several black lights that reflected off of neon colors.

Making soft cooing noises, the girl wandered awe-filled into the area. Just as she considered stuffing one of the many neon light-bulbs into her shirt, a young voice called out to her.

"Hey! Hey you! Do you wanna play a game?" Yuffie spun on her heel holding her hands up in a surrendering gesture.

"I wasn't stealing anything!" The three boys, no older than eleven, looked at her curiously before holding up a deck of cards.

"Do you wanna play a game?" The child with blonde hair and piercing blue eyes stood in front asked again.

"What kinda game?" Yuffie asked, her curiosity peaked.

"Blackjack."

"Aren't you a little young to be gambling?" An eerie smile crept across the blonde's lips.

"You have no idea. So, do you?" Yuffie pondered the idea for a moment before nodding.

"Excellent." The boy said as he led her to the air hockey table.

"Now, what do you have to bet?" Yuffie dug around in her pockets and pulled out three hundred gil. The boy did the same and pulled out some strange diamond-shaped crystals, laying them on the table.

"What is that?" Yuffie asked, poking one as the boy shuffled the deck.

"Munny."

"Huh?" The boy didn't respond, instead proceeded to pass the cards out. Yuffie looked at the cards sat in front of her. A seven and an eight. 15. That wasn't bad, and Yuffie didn't want to bust.

"Hit or stick?" The boy asked.

"Stick." Yuffie responded confidently, eyeing the strange crystals with undisguised desire.

"I call." The ninja flipped the cards.

"15!" She responded happily, reaching forward to snag the crystals and her gil back. But a small hand swatted her away. Slowly, the boy flipped his own cards.

"21." The boy said, gathering the gil and crystals before stuffing them into his pocket.

"WAIT A MINUTE I WANT A REMATCH!" Yuffie shouted, jumping from her seat and jabbing a finger at the child, earning several glares from passers-by.

"What do you have to bet?" Pondering that for a moment, Yuffie snapped her fingers and pulled out a potion.

The boy examined it with the intensity of a general examining a battle plan before nodding.

Half an hour later Yuffie was now potionless, etherless, shoeless, and holding her pants up with one hand.

"How did you do that?" She asked, anger and admiration laced into her tone.

"I have luck. And skill." Yuffie growled, stomping her foot in anger.

"Who are you kid!?" At that, the kid smirked over his shoulder as he turned to leave.

"Luxord." With that, the kid disappeared into a large mob of people leaving Yuffie in the beginning of a tantrum.

_"That was easier than I expected," _Luxord thought as he ceased use of the mimic materia and proceeded back to the security room where he would watch the monitors, _"Now all that's left is to make sure she actually does her job."_


	14. Chapter 14

Rude glowered as he stepped over the threshold into his new "office" as Kay had called it. The air assaulted him with the scent of sweat mixed with fruity air spray; it took all the self control he possessed to keep from gagging.

"So, you must be the new guy eh?" A gruff voice spoke from beside the bald man. Rude shifted his gaze to the man, eyes narrowed slightly. The man appeared to be your typical grease bag. Cheap cologne, false leather, and a tacky tie caused the tall man to snort.

One greasy eyebrow rose. "I guess that's a yes huh?" Rude nodded.

"Alright, follow me to your dressing room. Cindy will fix you up." A sinking feeling covered the TURK, but Rude followed none the less.

A short walk later Rude found himself being more or less shoved into a pink lighted room. Disgust stirred in Rude's stomach as he looked around the room, the faint click of the door nothing but muffled static to his mind.

A clothes rack stood in the far side of the room, on the right of a large mirror smudged with a strange substance. A fluffy pink couch sat in the middle of the room and Rude faintly wondered when the last time it had been sanitized was.

Shuddering inwardly, Rude moved hesitantly through the room to the cushioned desk chair in front of the mirror. As he sat down, the bald man couldn't deny that he looked incredibly pale.

Why would Kay choose, out of all the jobs in the world, this for him? If she had chosen this for Reno, or even Genesis Rhapsodos, he would understand. But him? What was she thinking?

After a moment of consideration, the older man decided he'd rather not know.

Rude was so entrapped with his thoughts; he hadn't heard the door creaking as it opened. He was so concentrated; he hadn't noticed the footsteps crossing the carpeted floor. And he was so spaced-out he didn't notice the figure standing behind him until it was too late.

"Hello sugar, my name is Cindy. You must Rod?" Rude would forever deny that startled yelp had come from him. The man leapt to his feet, spinning on his heel as he did.

A blonde with a horrible dye job stood in front of him with a smile that appeared "Cindy" would very much like to eat him adorning her face.

Clearing his throat and shifting uncomfortably Rude opened his mouth to speak.

"It's Rude."

" 'scuse me?" Cindy said smiling in a way she obviously thought was seductively. Rude wondered if she needed medical attention.

"My name is Rude."

"Ahh, well that's a strong name for a strong man…" She smiled as she pushed Rude backward into the chair.

"What kind of…movie…is this?" Rude couldn't deny the nauseous feeling gathering in the pit of his stomach.

"You mean what's the plot? It's a spy movie, so you don't really have to change sugar." Rude could honestly say that didn't help to calm his nerves.

"Sooooo, tell me something honey," Cindy began rubbing his knee through his pants, "are you fully on the other team? Or is this just a money problem?" Rude blinked rapidly.

"What do you mean?" The bald man's voice came out slowly, cautiously.

The look Cindy gave him would almost be considered cute, had it not been for the pound of makeup on her face.

"You do realize this is _gay _porn right?"

The outraged wails emitting from the room was enough to make all of the "actors" cringe.

Angeal sighed peacefully as he watered the many flowers Ms. Gainsborough had in her shop. The young lady certainly had a talent for this. Just as Angeal leaned down to get a small whiff of a rare black rose, the small bell hung above the door signaled a customer.

Snapping back to his full height, Angeal turned to face his new customer.

"Welcome to the Shinra Flower Shop, how may I help you?" The man who had entered was nothing short of….odd. He could almost pass for Cadet Strife's twin brother, save for the fact his hair was a chocolate brown instead of blonde.

"Oh, um, hi! I was supposed to come here and, uh, help. Kay said. I'm Sora!"

Angeal observed the boy for a second before nodding.

"It's nice to meet you Sora. I'm Commander Angeal Hewley, however please call me Angeal." An energetic nod was the Commander's response.

"So, what do you need me to do?" Sora asked, smiling happily.

"You could start by watering those over there." Angeal gestured to a small group of potted plants on the other side of the store.

"No problem!" Sora said, picking up the watering can and jogging through the store to the opposite side.

Angeal smiled slightly as he turned to the desk to begin sorting papers. No more than five minutes later a startled yelp jolted the Commander from his work.

Looking up, Angeal saw the young man, Sora, dashing through the store.

There was a very angry looking Venus Fly Trap attached to his wrist.

**Author's Note: I apologize for not updating this. I lost my muse for a short while. I hope this chapter almost makes up for it. These jobs are stretching out longer than I expected them to. Please review! Sincerely, Kay.**


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